Effects of Broken Homes on Mental/Spiritual Health of Children

       I originally conceived an article focused on the impact of divorce on children. Then it occurred to me that not all broken homes resulted from divorce or separation. There are dysfunctional homes where both parents are still legally married and living together. A broken home could also be traced to polygamy, especially in the African continent where the practice is deep-rooted. I grew up in a polygamous setting.

In my younger years, there was no noticeable friction among children of my father’s three wives. In fact, we were not even conscious of any wall between us. Nothing happened until the death of my father. Then, most of us were grown up and some in their teenage years. That was when the rivalry and jealousy reared their heads. Things were never the same again, as the situation deteriorated to the point of hostility. Expectedly, many of us still carry scars of the dysfunctional family system; with the possibility of passing the poison to the next generation.

 That is the major impact of broken homes on relationships, as the poison destroys the fabric that holds the society together. Dysfunctional families translate to dysfunctional societies since the family is the foundation of the society. This explains satan’s attacks on the family. Many people do not understand that raising their children in the fear and nurture of the LORD is the most important thing they can do for their society.

No wonder Paul the apostle charged Titus to ensure that those appointed elders in the church must show evidence that their children are “well trained and are believers, not open to the accusation of being loose in morals and conduct or unruly and disorderly” (Titus 1:6). He gave a similar instruction to Timothy in 1 Timothy 3:2-5: “An overseer then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, sober, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach; not given to drunkenness, not violent, not greedy for money, but patient, not argumentative, not covetous; and one who manages his own house well, having his children in submission with reverence. For if a man does not know how to manage his own house, how will he take care of the assembly of God?”

            Satan’s direct target in the family is the relationship between husband and wife. Of course, he may extend the offensive to children if the parents hold their grounds and he is not able to separate them. The reason he targets the parents is simple. Both are needed for effective nurturing and discipline at home. The mother’s major role is nurturing; while the father stands for discipline. We can see that in Scripture. Hebrews 12: 8 explains that “if you are exempt from correction and without discipline, in which all (of God’s children) share, then you are illegitimate and not sons (at all)”.

Discipline is key to the formation of good character, hence Proverbs 13:24 declares that “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently”. Those who are averse to corporal punishment have criticised this passage of the Bible. I do not believe that the rod here stands for only flogging the child. There are other ways of disciplining children that still amount to using the rod. Each parents should know how to train their children to be God-fearing and well-behaved.

I took the liberty of extracting the responsibilities of a father from an article written by Lesli White in https://www.beliefnet.com. According to the author, God uses the Christian father as an instrument for instruction and discipline, in which God commands and administers. She cited Ephesians 6:4 which contains a summary of instructions to fathers. One of them is that they should not exasperate their children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the LORD.

God does not just expect fathers to dispense only discipline. They are also required to lovingly commend their children when they do something right, as well as show concern for their welfare when they need such emotional support. Also, they should be their children’s number one cheerleaders. Fathers are equally required to make time for their families, especially in the area of counselling and guidance. They are supposed to be their children’s first role model.

Now we go to the role of mothers. An article titled, ‘12 Qualities of a Christian Mother’ written by Crystal McDowell and published in https:/www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com speaks to the subject. She enumerated the qualities of a Christian mother to include possession of a keen sense of discernment; persistence in prayer; demonstration of unconditional love for her husband and children; cultivation of a joyful environment and steadfastness in the word of God.

         Clearly, God intended both father and mother to bring something to the table for a stable family. Even the creation story in Genesis 2:18 explains that God decided to create Eve for Adam to fill the need in his life. The verse says, “Now the LORD God said, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper (one who balances him- a counterpart who is) suitable and complementary for him”. The balance extends to their raising of children. Both parents play complementary roles as we have explained above. If any of them is taken out of the picture, there is a void that can affect the development of their children. Even in the case of death, someone in the family or the church should assume the role of a father to dispense discipline and guidance to the children.

           What we see in the modern society is the opposite of this godly format. Marriages are failing in record numbers even in Christendom. In fact, the rate of divorce in the so-called Christian West exceeds those of countries dominated by false religions such as Hinduism, Buddhism and Islam, among others. Broken marriages are against the natural order of God. According to the Lord Jesus Christ, God designed marriage to be an eternal union of two souls. This is the only time that Mathematics ceases to be an exact science. As an exact science, Mathematics tells us that one plus one equals two. Not so with marriage. In Mark 10:8, Jesus said, “and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh”.

          When the union of souls is broken, it unleashes disruptive energy on the immediate environment. If both partners had children, these become the first victims of the breach. The resultant broken home can negatively affect all aspects of a child’s development. Although infants and young children may experience a few negative impacts, older children and teenagers may go through social and emotional upheavals that could damage their psyche for life. Some children who show little emotional response are actually bottling up their negative feelings. This emotional suppression makes it difficult for parents, teachers and therapists to help the child process her feelings in appropriate ways.

Lack of nurture from mothers and discipline from fathers, can produce children that could be classified as social misfits. It is true that many children of broken homes have by a dint of hard work excelled in their chosen fields. These are exception to the rule. In most societies where divorce or separation is rampant, single-parenthood has become the norm. There is also a direct correlation between crime situation and dysfunctional homes in these societies. Proverbs 29:15 states that “A rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces the mother”. Proverbs 17:25 echoes the same thread: “A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to her who bore him”. Proverbs 29:12 ties it up with an instruction- “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will bring delight to your soul”.

              If we have to use the judgment of Scriptures, both parents take the blame for any separation that leads to broken homes. In the first instance, they got into marriage without understanding its purpose. We have watched too many Hollywood, Nollyhood and Bollywood movies or read too many romance novels. Our realities come from these fictitious environments and we allow them to define love and marriage. Malachi 2:15 says, “Didn’t God create you and your wife to become one person? And why did He do this? It was so you would have children, and then lead them to become God’s people.

Don’t ever be unfaithful to the wife of your youth”. Some versions of the Bible said, “God desired godly seed or offspring” from marriages. This was His original intention for Adam and Eve apart from the fact that they would give each other companionship.  Since marriage is the vehicle for man to fulfil God’s mandate to “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28), it stands to reason that satan, the entity opposed to man’s domination of the earth would attack the institution with all resources at the disposal of his evil kingdom.

More marriages would have been saved if the parents understood that they were on assignment for God. The idea promoted by the world that sexual union is the fundamental aspect of marriage has contributed to the problem. In the West, America to be specific, “Chemistry” is the key ingredient in romantic relationships and ultimately marriage. Falling in love is hyped; with the couples at liberty to engage in sexual intercourse even from day one. The society does not frown at this practice because this version of love controls people. They are not able to use their brains when the so-called arrow of love strikes.

          In Biblical times, marriage was not contracted on the streets, in hotels or the back of cars. It was a serious business involving families of the affected persons. There was nothing like “love at first sight”. Growing up, I saw this system at work in my community. Whenever a man’s family approaches the girls’ parents to ask for her hand in marriage, this will set other processes in motion, especially background checks on the man and his family to many past generations. The girl had no say in the screening process. After a favourable report is turned in, she would be informed that her parents approve of the union. Conversely, a negative report signified the end of the man’s quest to marry the girl.

Flowing from this, divorce or separation was considered a taboo. I remember an incident involving my late sister. We were at home one day when she arrived with her stuff from her husband’s house. My father did not even allow her to upload her stuff. He sent her back to her matrimonial home. She never tried to leave the man even when he became uncontrollably scandalous with his infidelities. (I am not advocating that women should become door mats in their homes or tolerate disrespect to their persons by Casanova husbands).

The Bible’s prescription for this kind of situation is found in 1 Corinthians 7:11- “if she does separate from him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to her husband”. The point I am trying to make is that we of this generation treat marriage with levity. We think that it is all about our happiness. Perhaps, we would be more tolerant of the failures of our spouses if we understand that marriage is primarily God-centred. It is His requirement for man’s replenishment of the earth, as well as his mandate to dominate the earth and subdue it.

This should open our eyes to the necessity of kicking out divorce from our dictionary entirely. Apart from inflicting wounds and attendant scars on our spouses, our quest for ‘happiness’ could permanently damage the soul of our children. What we need to do is remember that we are on this earth to do God’s pleasure. Revelation 4:11 declares, “Thou art worthy, O LORD, to receive glory and honour and power: for Thou hast created all things, and for Thy pleasure they are and were created”. No marriage can hit the rocks if the Rock of Ages is its foundation. There is no perfect man and there is no perfect woman, even among Christians. That is why some people say that we are work in progress.

         Whenever satan tempts you to break your marital vow because of the failure of your spouse, look at the mirror and declare that you are a perfect person. I know you won’t dare to take this challenge because even the mirror will shout out the truth. Also remember that God gave you children in trust- because he wants you and your spouse to train them for Him. If you fail in this assignment, you are a big failure in life regardless of any other achievements you can boast of. Immerse yourself in the word of God and He will bless your family with His presence for sweat less victory over satan, your flesh and the world.