Forgiveness in Marriage

          In her book, I Dared to Call Him Father, a Pakistani woman, Bilquis Sheikh, narrated her encounter with Jesus Christ on the issue of unforgiveness. She was separated from her husband at the time she met the Lord and surrendered her life to him. Once day, the Holy Spirit said to her, “Bilquis, forgive your husband”. It wasn’t a command. It was her choice.

She wrestled with the matter for days and lost her peace. She also lost her intimacy with the Lord. It was so serious that even her maids noticed that something was wrong with her. When she couldn’t bear the loss of fellowship with the Lord any longer, she cried out to Him and said, “Lord, I am unable to forgive my husband. Grant me the grace to forgive him”. Yes. God did come through with enough grace for her to forgive her husband and her ‘light’ was restored.

Since I read her book, I have had occasions to pray the same prayer, with similar outcome. Paul got a revelation of the grace of God and its power to help us meet the standards of God in Christ Jesus. In Philippians 4:13, he said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. This must have been a throwback to his struggles over the thorn in his flesh, and Jesus’ response to his prayers for deliverance with the statement, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Isaiah 40:29 declares that God gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength”.

How does the grace of God help us to forgive those who have wronged us? We can see from the story of Bilquis mentioned above that she could not forgive her estranged husband until she asked for and received grace from God. Sadly, many marriages have crashed on the rocks of unforgiveness. Why are many Christian marriages ending up in divorce? When unbelievers do crazy things, we can assume that they are acting true to type. Personally, I do not expect much from unbelievers. They dance to a different tune than those hosting the Holy Spirit. At least, that is the expectation.

          Unfortunately, when it comes to unforgiveness in marriage, there does not seem to be any difference between the two categories. Romans 8:7 explains why unbelievers are anti-God and His ways. It says, “For the mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so”. That is a sad fact. Unbelievers do not have the grace to do what is right. They simply yield themselves to the spirits controlling their every action.

That is why the Scripture applies to believers. Its admonition on the issue of forgiveness is that we should treat people the same way God treats us. Ephesians 4:31-32 exhort us to “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. Be king and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other as in Christ God forgave you”.

How many marriages would have been saved if Christian couples chose God’s will above theirs? I dare say thousands! It’s a fact that many of these couples hurt each other badly. No one is disputing the fact that some people are a real pain in the neck! But what about our commitments to God? What about the covenant of marriage itself? Should we throw away the baby with the dirty water? We have read about couples who divorced, re-married and still divorced the second partners, in their quest to find Mister Right of Miss Right. Is there any such person on the face of the earth? Only God is perfect. It is true that Jesus exhorts us to be perfect like our Father in heaven (Mathew 5:48).

But all of us are God’s workmanship. We are a work in progress. His Spirit transforms us from the inside in a process called sanctification. It is not a one day affair. That is why we must make allowance for each other’s failures. We must be tender-hearted and show more understanding while dealing with the short-comings of other people. We expect this from other people as well, don’t we?

In an article titled, 10 Keys to Forgiveness, a Christian Perspective, Emmet I. Aldrich explains that unforgiveness is the most emotional and psychological experiences humans encounter in their daily lives. He noted that it involves feelings of anger, revenge, resentment, hurt, hostility, sadness, bitterness, retaliation or retribution. She then listed ten keys that could help people break the chain of unforgiveness. Although these keys are not specifically designed for couples, anyone can benefit from applying them to their specific situations. They are reproduced below:

1. Let go of the anger- Holding on to the anger that may be associated with an incident or experience that causes us hurt, can lead to hate, and perhaps a lingering desire for retaliation or revenge. This is destructive and could cause an emotional drain on us even if we don’t realize it.
2. Don’t be stubborn – For some reason, it seems to be a lot easier to hold on to the anger and hurt feelings associated with an injustice, and we can become comfortable with the feeling of retribution because we somehow want to punish the person that hurt us. After all, why should we be willing to forgive someone when what that person did or said was not our fault? We feel justified in in our anger with the other person. Don’t get stuck on your position for the mere sake of maintaining a position. Be willing to compromise in order to move forward.
3. Stop thinking of yourself as a victim- Generally, if we are angry with someone, it is because we feel that they have committed a serious wrong against us. Whether this feeling is real or perceived, we still feel that an injustice has been done, and that we have been treated unfairly. We can’t help but feel sorry for ourselves to some degree, and we expect others to feel sorry for us as well. This is perhaps the classic ‘victim mentality’. While this mentality may be soothing for a short period of time, it keeps us from moving beyond the hurt that we feel.
4. Focus on the future- Usually what has been done cannot be undone and dwelling on the past only perpetuates the hurt feelings that resulted from what caused the problem in the first place. Continually bringing up the sore points or issues of the past will only make the rift larger.
5. Re-learn to trust- Complete forgiveness means that we must re-learn to trust the individual that caused the hurt. In re-learning to trust, you must allow yourself to be vulnerable. You will need to appreciate feedback from those around you and not to assume automatically that off-handed comments are intended to hurt you. Listen carefully to the message the person may be attempting to deliver, and not so much to the tone or the mannerism in which it is delivered. Additionally, re-learning to trust involves some degree of reconciliation with the person that caused the injustice or hurt.
6. Be reasonable in your expectation of others- In the midst of anger, our emotions are high and frequently our judgment of fairness is clouded. We expect others to recognize the injustice they have done, and apologize immediately and profusely. We want the person to atone to us in some elaborate or excessive manner. The mind-set is that this is our way of ensuring that an apology is genuine if one is offered. We must understand that most acts or words that hurt us were not done intentionally. Sometimes, a person may not even know that he or she has done something to hurt us. Therefore, we must leave room for reconciliation to occur.
7. Expect that it will take time to forgive- At this point in time, we are accustomed to ‘quick fixes’, and instant gratification for solutions to almost every problem. Healing a hurt may generally come with the passage of time; hence you must allow yourself time to reach the level of forgiveness appropriate for the circumstances. Deeply emotional circumstances or extremely sensitive hurts such as the loss of a child or spouse to crime or spousal infidelity will take time to move beyond the hurt before a person can even begin to consider forgiving those who caused the hurt.
8. Examine your heart- Look within yourself to see if you are contributing to situations that you may later regret and will need to seek forgiveness. Is your behaviour or off-handed comments contributing to a strained relationship? Think before you speak. While we have a constitutional right to the freedom of speech, we do not have an inalienable right to say whatever we want, any time we want, particularly if it may be hurtful.
9. Let forgiveness become an everyday practice- What a transforming experience it would be in our lives if we were able to forgive someone immediately upon them committing the offense- without hanging on to the anger for a much longer period of time. This might be possible if we let forgiveness become an integral part of our lives and a guiding value to live by. It takes a lot of energy to maintain resentment, anger or distrust. Instead of holding on to those negative feelings, why not refocus and redirect that energy into making a contribution of time and effort to a special cause or ministry? Why not use the energy to serve God and humanity? Let the focus become what you can do for others, rather than dwelling on the hurt and anger you feel because of an injustice. Count your blessings. Remember the good things about your life and don’t dwell on hurt feelings. Let forgiveness become an essential part of your life.
10. Ask God for guidance- Being able to forgive or seek forgiveness is not just an intellectual decision, but there is also a spiritual dimension involved. In the parable of the unmerciful servant in Mathew 8:21-35, we find guidance on how we should forgive wrongs done to us. In verse 21, Peter asked the Lord, “How many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times”. In Mark 11:25, the Lord also said, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins”. Psalm 130:3-4 says, “If You, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O LORD who can stand? But with You there is forgiveness, therefore You are feared”. It is clear that all of us would be in trouble if God were to keep an account of our sins. In Christ Jesus He has blotted them out with the blood shed on Calvary and we are called to show the same mercy to those who offend us, especially our spouses.