Healthy Engagements with In-Laws

shepherdheart

December 30, 2021
8 min read
Faith + Family

The human community was at the heart of God when He created Adam and Eve. His charge to the first couple is recorded in Genesis 1:28, “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it….” His declaration in Genesis 2:18 that “It is not good for the man to be alone” also reinforced His desire to see humans live in healthy and productive communities.

We all know what transpired in chapter three of Genesis between the couple and satan. What God intended to be a healthy relationship turned into a nightmare, culminating in the first murder in Genesis 4:8, “Then Cain said to Abel his brother, ‘Let us go out into the plain; and it came to pass that when they were in the plain Cane rose up against Abel his brother, and killed him”.

Every relationship we have on earth would have been a blessing if satan had not corrupted the human heart with his sin nature. Because self now reigns as lord, we are naturally inclined to promote our own interests in our engagements with people. Nowhere is this more manifest than in the interaction with in-laws. The reason is not far-fetched.

These are people from different backgrounds and value systems than ours. We tend to view them from the prism of the perceived differences. Sometimes we even jump to conclusions about their intentions! Wittingly or unwittingly, we create an atmosphere of distrust that might set the stage for the breakup of a marriage or other consequencies.

image 26 Healthy Engagements with In-Laws

From the Scriptural perspective, the relationship with in-laws should flow from the love of God shed abroad in our hearts (Romans 5:5). Paul the apostle said in Romans 12:9-10, “Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good. Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another”. If we are not sure of the kind of love Paul is talking about, we will let 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 guide us into the truth:

“If I (can) speak in the tongues of men and (even) of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as inspired by God’s love for us and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and I understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have (sufficient) faith so that I can move mountains, but have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody). If I dole out all I have (to the poor in providing) food, and I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God’s love in me), I gain nothing.

Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it (it pays no attention to a suffered wrong).

It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under any circumstances, and it endures everything (without weakening). Love never fails (never fades out or become obsolete or comes to an end”).

It is clear that no human can meet the demands of God’s kind of love in his or her own strength. We take consolation in the fact that all things are possible with God (Mathew 19:26). Does this invalidate God’s command that we should love our neighbours as ourselves? (Mark 12:31). Certainly not. The truth is that we cannot love other people except we love God first.

It is the love of God shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit that enables us to love our neighbours without dissimulation or hypocrisy. Of course, the Holy Spirit is only given to those who obey God (Acts 5:32). Ephesians 1:13 explains that the Holy Spirit is the seal of our redemption. In fact, Paul the apostle said in Romans 8:14 that only those who are led by the Holy Spirit are the sons of God (joint heirs with Christ). Romans 8:9 declares that those who do not have the Holy Spirit do not belong to Christ.

image 27 Healthy Engagements with In-Laws

So, how does having the Holy Spirit help us to relate well with in-laws? Verse 5 of the same Romans 8 tells us that those who are not under the influence of the Holy Spirit are controlled by their flesh. In plain English, they judge things and people by their own understanding. Their carnal natures dictate their response to situations. Such people cannot have a healthy relationship with anybody no matter how much effort they put into it.

The answer lies in yielding ourselves to the transformative power of the word of God through the instrumentality of the Holy Spirit. This is the only sure path to a healthy relationship with everyone, including in-laws. In addition, the following practical steps can help us to oil the relationship with our in-laws.

Choose your words – Develop effective language for dealing with typical stress points. For example, if you are constantly receiving unsolicited parenting advice from your in-laws, a phrase such as “ I appreciate that you are trying to help, but we have decided on this direction”, can serve to validate your in-laws as part of the family. What you are saying in effect is, “You have the right to contribute to the welfare of the children, but we have already taken a decision on the matter”. This could also help to change the subject;
Know your limit – Be tolerant, but set boundaries. There are times to bite your tongue, but also times to stand your ground. Everything should be done or said in love though. The tone of your voice should convey love and the utmost respect if you must stand your ground;
Plan your exit – Before entering a stressful situation with your in-laws, set up a ‘safe word’ to let your spouse know when you are approaching your limits. Your spouse can then initiate a graceful exit with his or her parents before the situation devolves further;
Be a team – In the event of a conflict, always take the sides of your spouse when dealing with your own parents. Form a unified front. During these stressful situations, your spouse should never have to doubt your loyalty to him or her;
Communicate and negotiate – Instead of constantly talking behind the backs of your in-laws, it is important to address the elephant in the room. You can discuss with them on how to solve the issues at hand. This should be done in love;
Have a positive attitude – Think positive and believe that in-laws are there to help you and support you.
Respect your partner’s family – Respect begets respect. Your partner will not be too happy to see you insult his or her family. Be sensitive to issues that could cause bad blood in your relationship with them;
Lose your ego – Ego is the three-letter word which kills most relationships. Don’t let your ego get the most of you. Bridge the gap with love and trust.
Don’t compare your in-laws with your parents – Your in-laws are now the people you will be spending most of your life with. Refrain from comparing them with your parents and judging them harshly along this lines;
Don’t take anything personally – Make an effort to start conversations, as you are the newest member of the family. There is no harm in doing this. Don’t be offended if you get snarky replies. Just remember that they are your spouse’s family;
Don’t get too involved with family squabbles – If possible, try to stay away from your in-law’s family issues. Give them their space;
Find personal time – Try to find some personal time for you and your husband on a daily basis so that your relationship with your husband will not be affected by any distance between both of you;
Let your husband take the initiative in resolving conflicts with his family – Your husband is the link between you and his family. He knows his family well, and how they will react to a particular situation. Share your concerns with him so that he conveys them in his own way or the way his family will understand. Refrain from making a fuss about petty issues that may resolve on their own;
Be yourself – Be the person God created you to be. Don’t allow yourself to be intimidated but stand your ground in love; and
Pray for your in-laws – Pray that they will come to understand you, your likes and dislikes over time, and that they would show you love and understanding as you make an effort to become one of them.