How Domestic Violence Undermines the Marriage Institution

Marriages are under attack like never before. One of the tools used by the enemy to undermine the institution is domestic violence. While Gender-based Violence (GBV) or violence against women and girls has attracted attention globally, it is important to note that men are also victims in certain cases. In the United States of America for instance, research revealed that 100 men and 75 women killed their spouses between 1976 and 1985. Across the globe, more than 730 million women report having experienced some form of gender-based violence. The situation has deteriorated in the past two years since the outbreak of Covid-19. The upsurge has been blamed on loss of livelihood, disruption of social and protective networks, and restriction of movement.

Many people, including Christians are oblivious of the fact that satan is deliberately instigating these violence actions to discredit marriage and encourage promiscuity in the society. It is hardly surprising that couples who live together without tying the knots fair better. A friend’s sister was in such a relationship for more than twelve years, but broke up with the man barely three months after they got married. Obviously, satan and his demons did not mind them living in sin! Whatever faults each of them had were not amplified to cause friction and eventual separation.

 A comment posted on Facebook by an American man on the ongoing defamation trial between Amber Heard and her estranged husband, Jonny Depp, both famous people in Hollywood, caught my attention. The man said that revelations at the trial, especially Amber’s physical attacks on Depp have become an incentive for single men to steer clear of marriage. Similar views were expressed by some internet users when Peter Nwachukwu, husband of Osinachi, a popular gospel singer in Nigeria was accused of beating her to death.

Unfortunately, the secular world ignores the reality of spiritual warfare raging around us. Consequently, these crimes are not seen as the work of satan or something to be addressed spiritually. Even when some of the culprits exhibit visible signs of demonic possession, science explains this away using terms such as ‘Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)’, ‘(Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)’ or ‘Split Personality Disorder (SPD)’. There is nothing that serves the interest of the devil more than ignoring his operations in our lives. Satan must be confronted, not tolerated.

What should be the response of the church to domestic violence? Since we know where the arrows originate, the most effective weapons at our disposal are the word of God and prayer. These should be deployed before the couples are joined in holy matrimony. If God had a hand in the choice of the partners, He would certainly keep the enemy at bay. Sadly, many Christians do not seek God’s face before choosing their partners. A quote from the Classic Comparative Parallel Bible captures the essence of a life surrendered to God, especially in marriage. It says, “Every believer does well to recognise the importance of being entirely surrendered to God’s will; nothing more; nothing less; nothing else; at any cost. And that does not mean first making an unholy alliance in marriage, or in business, or in thought, and then adjusting it to God’s will”.

Christians are specifically charged not to be “unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). And marriage is the strongest yoke or bond we can have with any one. So, if a Christian disobeys God and chooses a marriage partner based on other parameters, that relationship is doomed from the beginning. God is not obligated to protect us from the onslaught of the enemy if we ignore His commandments and choose our own paths. Though His mercy is available through repentance; we may suffer the consequences of our disobedience.

I read a story in one of late Watchman Lee’s book about a woman who married the man of her choice despite a clear ‘No’ from God. The woman in question had approached the man of God for counselling on the issue and was told to severe the relationship. Because she was already ‘advanced in age’, she ignored his counsel and went ahead to contract the marriage. Some months later, she realised that it was a big mistake on her part. When she sent a letter to Lee asking for his advice, he bluntly told her that he was not in a position to tell her what to do anymore.

 Many Christians also fall for the lie from the pit of hell that they can use marriage as an evangelistic tool. It is true that we are co-workers with God in reaching the lost. But God did not call us to compete with the Holy Spirit! Yeshua said in John 6:44, “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him”. While explaining the role and functions of the Holy Spirit in John 16:8, the Lord said, “And when He comes, He will convict the world of its sin, and of God’s righteousness, and of the coming judgment”. My dear friend, you are not the Holy Spirit. Do not deceive yourself into believing that you would change that man or that woman after the wedding. Once you are unequally yoked with an unbeliever in contravention of God’s commandment, you will carry your self-appointed cross in your own strength.

There are however situations involving unbelievers who tied the knot before one of them became a Christian. Paul the Apostle addressed this in 1 Corinthians 7:12, “To the rest I speak, not the Lord: if any brother has an unbelieving wife who consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. And if the woman has an unbelieving husband who consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband.

Otherwise, your children would be unclean. But now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let that one depart. A brother or sister is not bound in such cases. God has called us to peace”. In other words, if the tension of an ungodly marriage becomes unbearable and one of the partners wants to end the relationship, the Christian brother or sister should not hold on to it. I believe that trying to compel the unbelieving partner to stay in the marriage could trigger unpleasant outcomes, including needless violence.

 Regardless of how the marriage was contracted, God does not sanction domestic violence. His charge to husbands is for them to love their wives as themselves (Ephesians 5:28-29) and wives to reverence or respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). In the event that a Christian union breaks down to the extent that husbands and wives become antagonistic towards each other, the church has a role to play in addressing the underlying issues. Counselling is a major tool in getting both partners to see things through the eyes of God.

If this fails, separation could be permitted in line with 1 Corinthians 7:10-11: “Now to the married I command, not I, but the Lord, do not let the wife depart from her husband. But if she departs, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And do not let the husband divorce the wife”. The reason why separation is recommended in cases of domestic violence is to allow both parties to walk through their problems with the help of the church and for the wounds of the abuse to heal.

Ultimately, the decision to continue with the marriage depends on both partners because the church cannot force them to remain under the same roof. It is critically important that we reduce chances of satan and his demons targeting our marriages by contracting them under the covering of the Holy Spirit. Only God can restrain the devil.