Adventures of Flora and Fauna: Spicy Proof of Evolution by Pearl Adams. The book is a satire aimed at showing the ridiculousness of evolution.
We (humans) are the representatives of the cosmos; we are an example of what hydrogen atoms can do, given 15 billion years of cosmic evolution.
Carl Sagan5
Chapter 2
Interview with Alpha Electron
My first interview was with the entity called Electron. For this assignment, I had to travel to Alamogordo, New Mexico. The sun was in its element as we pulled up at the entrance to the site of the famous Mahattan Project. This is the birth place of the first ‘Atomic Bomb’. My host, Mr. Electron (aka Atom Shell) was all smiles as I walked towards him.
Belinda: Good morning Mr. Electron. My name is Belinda Aidan. I represent Glitz Magazine, New York. I appreciate your granting me this interview. I understand that you were the first entity to inhabit Neverland. My readers would love to know how you became the catalyst to the emergence of what is now known as the universe.
Electron: Belinda, I’m not sure you’re qualified to tell the story of evolution. It’s obvious that you’re a fan of the non-existent Being you call ‘God’. I’m sorry. I can’t grant you an interview.
Belinda: You’re right Mr. Electron. I make no pretence about my faith in God. But then, who is more qualified to tell your side of the story, an evolutionist or a believer in God? I give you my word that I will be impartial in my reportage. The world needs to hear you. This will enable people make an informed judgment on the controversy surrounding the origin of the universe.
Electron: Okay. I trust that you will be a woman of your word. I was a tiny blurb or what is popularly referred to as an atom shell from the beginning. I was a loner and loved to feast on light. I had no genealogy. I was just there, an electron. I had so much negative magnetism that it is a wonder I didn’t consume myself. I tried to shed some of what you guys now refer to as electric charge but found no field to absorb them. It was a heavy load. Imagine the loneliness I felt having no one to share my burden with.
Belinda: Just so my readers will appreciate what you mean by ‘beginning’. Is this the beginning of time or the beginning of the universe?
Electron: It is the same thing. I’m the beginning of matter. Nothing existed before me.
Belinda: So, how long did you exist alone before you got tired of your loneliness and decided to evolve into something else?
Electron: It could’ve been a million, zillion or more years. Who was counting? One day, I got so pissed off that I decided to end it all. The boredom was unbearable. So, I decided to empty myself of the electric charge. This had an unintended result as a shaft of light engulfed my being and totally wiped out all the negative electric charge. I felt empty. I had no idea that I had birthed wave particles! Don’t ask me how I felt Belinda because it was too exhilarating to capture it in words. I just knew that something momentous had happened to me. Life was never the same after that. Suddenly, it dawned on me that I was no longer alone. I had birthed millions of me! We twilled, danced and had a swell time getting to know each other.
Belinda: How exciting! One moment you’re alone and the next you’re cavorting with millions of you. Wow! So, what happened after that?
Electron: Having created what you humans call a Lepton family, the lot fell on me to ensure that we can continue to interact on the same wavelength. It wasn’t some form of language that could be transcribed or stored in a form known to humans anyway. We had a blast at the beginning until some of us started emitting very strong negative charges again. What could be the problem? I mused. Why were we emitting negative charges all the time? I had no idea that some of us were just too tired of the magnetic field we were operating in. When I realized that we were too close for comfort, I summoned my fellow electrons to a crucial meeting. We had a fruitful deliberation and decided that it would benefit everyone if we channel our energies to produce electricity, magnetism and thermal conductivity. The missing ingredient was water. We didn’t have a drop of that stuff.
Belinda: You needed water to expand your magnetic field? So, what did you do?
Electron: One of my fellow electrons, a very brilliant atom shell suggested that we should produce two compounds known to humans as hydrogen and oxygen. He assured us that mixing them in the ratio of two to one will produce water. We discovered that when we rubbed our tails against each other, it caused an irritation in our bowels which created different compounds. Hydrogen and oxygen were among them.
Belinda: That was certainly an ingenious way to discover water. I’m not questioning the veracity of your claims. A school of thought insists that water was the foundation of all forms of life in the universe. In effect, life couldn’t have started with an atom shell. How does this sit with you?
Electron: That’s a bunch of fabrication by my detractors. Where did the water come from?
Belinda: Well, your so-called detractors could ask you the same question as well. If no one created an atom shell, what is its origin?
Electron: Is it not evident to you that I’m the beginning of all things? It will be difficult for you to understand these things except I can transport you to zillions of years before the beginning of time.
Belinda: I guess there’s no end to the argument about who started the universe. Let’s move on. So what did you guys do with the water?
Electron: That’s not my story to tell. Let me introduce you to my comrade Nuclei. He has a better understanding of the next phase of life form than I. If you need clarification on other issues we’ve discussed, feel free to contact me again.
Belinda: Thank you so much for your time Mr. Electron. When can I interview Mr. Nuclei?
Electron: I’m sure your sponsor will arrange that in due course.
When we have found how the nucleus of atoms is built up we shall have found the greatest secret of all – except life. We shall have found the basis of everything- of the earth we walk on, of the air we breathe, of the sunshine, of our physical body itself, of everything in the world, however great or however small – except life.
Ernest Rutherford6
Chapter 3
So, You’re Nuclei!
The next interview took place at Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear power facility in Japan. Frankly, I didn’t understand why I had to fly all the way to Japan to interview a specific Nucleus. The sponsor, Michael Lionel wasn’t amused when I broached the subject. He looked blandly at me and said, “Trust my judgment”. So, here we are.
Belinda: Thanks for granting me audience, Mr. Nuclei.
Nuclei: The pleasure is mine. We in the Nucleotide family are pleased to share our experiences with a broad-minded person like you. Bigots do not promote a healthy quest for knowledge. What exactly do you want to know about the Nucleotides?
Belinda: Everything, particularly their origin.
Nuclei: Okay. Comrade Electron called from New Mexico to brief me on his engagement with you so I’ll start from where he stopped. After the Lepton family discovered water, some atom shells like me started flirting with the stuff. Previously, atom shells could rub their tails on each other and still retain their individuality. As soon as water entered the picture, those who did so became glued to each other. Luckily, some atom shells like Comrade Electron didn’t touch the stuff. That’s why we still have the Lepton family.
Belinda: What an interesting transformation story. Were you worried about your evolution from an atom shell into Nuclei?
Nuclei: Nothing of the sort. What was there to worry about? We in the Nucleotide family had more fun. The bonding process actually produced properties that made our lives more fulfilling. We discovered sugar, phosphate and nitrogen. The sugar was derived from ribose, a substance secreted by one of us.
Belinda: It’s amazing how you guys discovered these properties by accident. How useful was sugar in the evolution process?
Nuclei: Great question. Not everything happened by accident. Our quest was to evolve into a higher form of life. To achieve that goal, we needed to produce deoxyribonucleic acid, what you guys call DNA.
Belinda: That’s fascinating. How long did it take you to produce sugar?
Nuclei: It’s difficult to assess time within such a parameter. Why is that important to you?
Belinda: These are the kind of questions my readers would love to ask if they had the opportunity to interact with you. Don’t forget that the key issue is the validity of the claims by evolutionists like yourself that the universe evolved from nothing. Proponents of creation theory can point to a time when God spoke the universe into being. They can point to a fixed point of knowledge- God. So, it would be more enlightening for us to have a timeline of the evolution process from your viewpoint.
Nuclei: Okay. I can hazard a guess. Sugar should have been discovered within one hundred years of our existence as atom shells. Is that okay with you?
Belinda: That’s something to work with. Thanks. So, did you eventually produce the DNA?
Nuclei: Sure but it took awhile. We needed another compound known as deoxyribose which is a derivative of sugar. We also needed to produce polymer, a derivative of Ribonucleic Acid (RNA). It took us several years to figure out how a substance secreted by the Nucleotides known as nucleic acid provided the bridge between where we were and where we should be.
Belinda: Having successfully isolated the DNA and RNA, what was your next focus?
Nuclei: Because we realized how important it was to produce the necessary chemical processes to take us to the next level of evolution, we decided to merge the Lepton and Nucleotide strains. Comrade Electron was excited about the proposal. We assumed that other atom shells were on the same page with us. That was our pitfall.
Belinda: So, things didn’t work out as planned?
Nuclei: We didn’t encounter any challenge at the onset. There were a few dissenting voices though, but we assumed that common sense would prevail.
Belinda: What were the dissensions about?
Nuclei: Well, some people in both families felt we were moving too fast. They wanted us to give them time to savor what we had achieved. The progressives among us weren’t too keen about giving in to their retrogressive ideas.
Belinda: Did you try to explain the anticipated benefits of the new venture to the opposing group?
Nuclei: Yeah. That’s what we should have done but there were some among us that felt that we could sideline the black-legs and push the frontiers of knowledge to our advantage. Sadly, the pig-headedness of the progressives cost us the much-needed unity and paved way for a bloody showdown.
Belinda: So, what happened next?
Nuclei: Another valid question. I’ll have to hand you over to Comrade Proton to finish the narrative.
Belinda: I’m not sure I’ve heard of him. Who is he?
Nuclei: Pardon me. I should’ve mentioned him earlier. He was a product of the failed union between the Lepton and Nucleotide families. While the Leptons produce mostly negative charges in our magnetic field, the Nucleotides have the singular advantage of emitting protein substances. In one of the experiments involving participants from both families, an entity with a positive electric charge emerged. He is Comrade Proton. He has been chosen to brief you on the next phase of evolution because of the role he played in the disastrous outing.
Belinda: I’m looking forward to the engagement with him. Thanks so much for the interesting chat.
Nuclei: Thanks for the pleasure of your company.