Adventures of Flora and Fauna: Spicy Proof of Evolution by Pearl Adams. The book is a satire aimed at showing the ridiculousness of Evolution Theory.
Chapter 6 – We Are the Greens!
Of course, I prefer to have nature around me,
but it doesn’t have to be with exact original
vegetation for nostalgic reasons.
Nature is moving and making new things.
Theo Jansen9
What a joy it was to be back on American soil! And I had the good fortune of touching base two days to the Thanksgiving holiday. It’s unarguably my favourite holiday because of its historical roots. Despite the assault on Christian values in parts of the States by atheists, this holiday has become entrenched in the national psyche. Because the interviews were serialized by Glitz, I had to edit and submit the last one before joining my family at Austin. Three days after the holiday, I was onboard a United Airlines flight en route to Brazil. I was glad that I finally got my wish to return to the Amazon Basin.
Nothing prepared me for the sight that confronted me when I visited the Greens Family within the tourist area of the dense tropical forest. The variety of species was stupendous and all of them vied for my attention. The clans numbering in thousands eventually agreed that Ginkgo from the Conifers clan should represent them. Enjoy the interview.
Belinda: I’m a fan of your clan Mr. Ginkgo. I would love to know what propelled you guys to evolve from Rocks into the Greens family.
Gingko: Thanks for the opportunity to share our evolutionary experience. It wasn’t much fun being a rock. We had no reason to continue with the charade of living like the dead just because some of us felt it was a more stable life. What’s stability without progress? What was my duty as a rock? Okay. Some of us had crystals and other fanciful stones that enhanced our status in the Rock community but did little for our desire for self actualization. It didn’t take the progressive ones among us a long time to decide that we needed to break out of the mould.
Belinda: So, what exactly did you have in mind when you decided to discard your rockiness?
Gingko: Frankly, I had no idea what I could become. I was just tired of being a rock.
Belinda: What were the processes that transformed you from a rock into the Greens family?
Gingko: The transformation was totally unplanned. It happened when a member of my clan accidently held water on his surface longer than the approved period. Progressively, he turned into a Green. We did a little research and discovered that our Comrade had multicellular DNA which came from the water. We equally found traces of photosynthetic eukaryotes in his cells. Evolutionists refer to the first Rock specie which evolved into a Green as ‘Embryophyte’. That’s actually from the Charophytes clan. The research also showed that the multicellular marine DNA had the capacity to reproduce other species of Greens, including seed ferns and free-sporing plants such as Archaeopteris. We were fascinated. Gradually, other stones towed his path and the rest is history.
Belinda: So, how does it feel to be a Green?
Gingko: Fantastic! There’s a great feeling that comes from fulfilling one’s dream. It’s true that some of us who came out of the rock family have moved on to other life forms. Personally, I wouldn’t exchange my present status with another. It’s so much fun being able to drink plenty of water and produce quantum of oxygen in the galaxies. Do you know that our clans cover more than forty percent of the galaxies?
Belinda: I had no idea you guys were so many! You mentioned that some Greens have evolved into other forms of life. How did that occur?
Gingko: We had a civil war of sort that lasted several years. Your scientists refer to this as the Permo-Triassic extinction event. The bone of contention was the correct order of procreation. Some clans canvassed for cross-pollination while others insisted that each species is sacrosanct and should not be tampered with.
Belinda: Was there no middle ground?
Gingko: Those who could have mediated a compromise chose to stay on the sideline. Eventually, most proponents of cross-pollination left the Greens family.
Belinda: There’s something perplexing about these evolutionary trends. Is it possible for you to transform into something else with a completely different biological or chemical composition without an external trigger? I’m talking about the cause and effect principle.
Gingko: Dear Madam, you can’t give what you don’t have. We who have experienced evolution are better placed to explain the process. You don’t understand it because your thought processes are colored by your religious beliefs.
Belinda: I agree that you speak from experience. You still have not convinced me that you evolved from a Rock into a Green accidently or by just wishing it. Gingko: We could go back and forth on this to infinity and won’t find a meeting point. You need to accept the facts on ground that all life forms evolved at one point or the other without any external influence.
Belinda: Clearly, we can’t find a middle ground here. So, let’s move on. Would you be kind enough to introduce me to any of your comrades that transformed into another life form?
Gingko: I will gladly do that. I will link you up with a paddy in the Coniferous clan who evolved into Amoeba. I guess there’s nothing left to say. I wish you well.
Belinda: Thanks a million Mr. Gingko.
Chapter 7- Amoebaic Ingenuity
Recall from time’s abysmal chasm
that piece of primal protoplasm
the First Amoeba, strangely splendid,
from whom we’re all of us descended
that first Amoeba, weirdly clever,
exists today and shall forever,
because he reproduced by fission;
he split himself, and each division
and subdivision deemed it fitting
to keep on splitting, splitting, splitting;
so, whatever their billions be,
all, all amoebas still are he…
So famed is he and well-connected
his statue ought to be erected,
for you and I and William Beebe
are undeniably amoebae!
Arthur Guiterman10
I am not squeamish by nature. As a journalist, you learn to adapt to different situations and people. Up to this point, I enjoyed the best of sights and sounds of nature as I sauntered along the bank of the Amazon River. I was totally unprepared for the hideousness of the creature that was to be my host for the next phase of the assignment. I struggled to keep a smile on my face as it stretched out a slimy tentacle and said, “Good evening Madam”. It must’ve sensed my repulsion because it quickly withdrew the tentacle. I steeled myself for an unpleasant evening and gave it the signal that I was ready for the interview.
Belinda: Thanks for granting me audience Mr. Amoeba. It’s a pleasure …..
Amoeba: Cut the crap please. You and I know that you can’t stand the sight of me. Not that I blame you or anyone for feeling repulsive toward me.
Belinda: Well, I wasn’t really expecting to see an entity like you. It’s nothing personal. I’m so sorry about that.
Amoeba: That’s okay. How can I help you?
Belinda: I’m investigating claims by evolutionists that everything in the universe happened by chance. My last interviewee, Mr. Gingko of the Greens family asked me to see you. He promised to brief you on this.
Amoeba: Yeah. Apparently, we missed each other because I was away from home all day. I make it a point of duty to visit other members of Protozoa and other clans of the Amoebaic family at least twice a week.
Belinda: Okay. I would love to hear about your transformational story. How did you evolve from a rock into a member of the Protozoa clan?
Amoeba: I am trying to find words that you can relate with. First, you need to know that Amoebas are difficult to classify. You just mentioned Protozoa. That’s just one of the many clans that make up the family. We are also found in the fungi, algae and animal groups.
Belinda: Wow! My college biology was deficient then. I had no idea that you guys are everywhere!
Amoeba: That’s like saying we can compete with everyone. No. We’re not everywhere.
Belinda: Okay. So, how does it feel to be an Amoeba? What are your ambitions?
Amoeba: Despite the seeming ugliness that wraps itself around us; we take consolation in the fact that we are the only beings that can alter our shapes at will. This we do by extending and retracting our tentacles which your scientists refer to as ‘pseudopods’.
Belinda: That’s great! What else sets you apart from other entities?
Amoeba: Well, it’s folly for anyone to dare us, though we appear harmless.
Belinda: That’s well taken. Why do we need to be afraid of you?
Amoeba: Have you heard of ‘brain eating Amoeba’?
Belinda: I can’t recollect hearing that phrase.
Amoeba: When humans are exposed to my comrades from the Naegleria Fowleri clan, terrible things happen to the victims. These comrades are mostly found in untreated swimming pools and spas, aquariums, the soil and mud puddles among other habitats. The victims expose themselves through diving, water skiing and any other water sports in which water is forced into the nose. Once my comrades enter the nose, they quickly move to the brain through what you humans call olfactory nerve.
Belinda: That is terrible. So, what are the symptoms of the infection?
Amoeba: The victims exhibit several symptoms, including headache, stiff neck, vomiting, altered mental state and seizures.
Belinda: Is the Amoebaic family perturbed that this clan is giving it a bad name?
Amoeba: It is a moral issue that’s difficult to address because my comrades are acting true to character. Did they choose their genetic make-up?
Belinda: But you evolutionists assert that there’s no external influence in creation. If they didn’t choose their genetic composition, where did it come from?
Amoeba: Mother Nature.
Belinda: Oh! So, something or someone was the trigger. How did the family respond to this?
Amoeba: Several clans in the Amoebaic family resented the fact that our brethren refused to amend their ways. Some of those who felt threatened by their perceived antagonistic dispositions found their way out of the family. Would you love to speak with one of them?
Belinda: Certainly.
Amoeba: Good. I’ll arrange that immediately.
Belinda: Thank you very much.
Chapter 8 – Cool Paramecium
In attempting to understand the elements out of which mental
phenomena are compounded, it is of the greatest
importance to remember that from the protozoa to man there
is nowhere a very wide gap either in structure or in behavior.
From this fact it is highly probable inference that there is also
nowhere a very wide mental gap.
Bertrand Russel11
My next point of call was a tributary of Amazon River known as Rio Negro. It is the largest black-water river in the world, accounting for about fourteen percent of the water of the Amazon basin10. The richness of species of plants is indescribable. As the tour guide droned on, trying his best to romanticize the scene, I remembered my first visit to the Amazon Basin. It was arranged by my College Sorority as part of the exchange programme sponsored by Carnegie Foundation. Initially, I was upset that the Sorority President chose Brazil against the wishes of some of us to visit the Korean Peninsula. It was a different story when we eventually made it to the Amazon Basin. We couldn’t get enough of the wonders in the wild! I met my next guest close to a roaring waterfall.
Belinda: Good day Mr. Paramecium. Thanks for giving me audience
Paramecium: We owe you much gratitude Ma’am. It’s to our benefit that the world is seeing another side of evolution through the eyes of a professional like you.
Belinda: Wow! I’m flattered.
Paramecium: I’ve been given an idea about the thrust of your investigation. How may we in the Ciliate family help you?
Belinda: I would love to have details of your transformation from Amoeba to your current status.
Paramecium: Yeah. You needed to see me when I was an Amoeba. Belinda, if the truth be told, nobody wants to be ugly or hideous.
Belinda: So, how did you singlehandedly drop the hideousness of Amoeba and became a paramecium?
Paramecium: Simple. Desire provokes action. Trust me. You can’t achieve much without a pulsating, throbbing and indescribable longing for change. As an Amoeba, you could remain in your rut and no one cares. On a certain day, a fellow Amoeba and I mistakenly waded into a brackish environment close to our natural habit. We were stunned to see that we had developed an elastic membrane with hair- like organs. When we returned to our natural habitat, all hell broke loose as we ate some of our Amoebaic Comrades. We had such a craving for them that they mobilized and chased the two of us to the brackish water where we found our ‘freedom’. Some of them that fell into the water were transformed into paramecium as well.
Belinda: What an interesting take on evolution! Were you bewildered by the turn of event?
Paramecium: Yes of course. Though I desired a change, I wasn’t really prepared for what I got. It took me time to grasp the import of my transformation. The good news was that I could swim freely and interact with members of two important families, the Greens and Nucleotides.
Belinda: How do you collaborate with the Greens?
Paramecium: The Greens allow us to feed on their rejects like bacteria, algae and yeasts, while the enzymes we expel as waste are useful materials for their growth. We also enjoy similar symbiotic relationship with the Nucleotides. They produce waste known as diploid macronucleus which enhances our non-productive cell functions. It’s important for you to note that we are neither male nor female. We reproduce our kind by what your scientists call ‘binary fission’.
Belinda: That’s new to me. Kindly explain the process.
Paramecium: As I earlier mentioned, we are asexual. That’s to say that we don’t need to copulate like you humans do to reproduce our kind. We simply split our cells and the new cells assume our forms. They also have the same genes with us. It’s a cool way to maintain the parental identity.
Belinda: That’s clear enough. So, how have you enjoyed your new status? Any regrets?
Paramecium: Oh well, I won’t say that it’s been a smooth sail. There are ups and downs in being confined to just one habitat- water. I guess that contributed to the defection of some Comrades from the family.
Belinda: Defection? How did that occur?
Paramecium: Well, the restriction imposed on us by our environment obviously irked some Comrades. They wanted the family to branch out and extend the habitat to other areas outside water. They were resisted with vehemence by the head of the family. In reaction, the rebels disappeared for about two hundred years and returned with flapping wings with which they buzzed round our habitat.
Belinda: Did that scare you?
Paramecium: Sure. But they didn’t hurt any of us. We were enthralled by their appearance. Some of them had mouths that were shaped like a straw, while others were colorful.
Belinda: Could you arrange for me to speak with one of them?
Paramecium: I’m at your service Ma’am.
Belinda: Thanks so much Mr. Paramecium.
Paramecium: The pleasure is mine.