Adventures of Flora and Fauna: Spicy Proof of Evolution by Pearl Adams. The book is a satire aimed at showing the ridiculousness of Evolution Theory.
Chapter 9 – The Big Bugs Debut!
Mammals are very close to us, but bugs are strange.
They are more mysterious and exotic.
Isabella Rossellini12
You’re in bed in a hotel room and in dreamland. Suddenly, a tiny prick near your ankle sends signals to your brain that there’s danger. You’re still drowsy with sleep and can’t fathom what’s going on in your body. The prick didn’t feel like a mosquito bite. So, what is it? You throw the duffel off you and voila, the culprit is exposed! What ‘monster’ is this? You quickly surf the net for answers and Google tells you that your adversary is none other than Mr. Bedbug. Wow! That was my first encounter with the mysterious bug that hides in beds and bites humans to suck their blood. A real life Dracula and a very evasive foe, if the stories I read on the net were anything to go by.
I met my next guest, Mr. Lectularius, head of the Cimicosis family of bed bugs at the lobby of Ecotupana Lodge, Itacoatiara, close to the Amazon rainforest.
Belinda: Thank you for having me Mr. Lectularius.
Lectularius: I should thank you for giving us a voice. Most humans, especially the mainstream media vilify us all the time. It’s really a shame that some journalists throw caution to the wind in their quest for sensational stories. So what if we suck a little blood here and there? How many people have lost their lives because we fed on their blood?
Belinda: (Laughter). Does feeding on blood come naturally to you or is it part of the evolution process?
Lectularius: Human blood is our primary energy source. We just need a little of the darn thing to stay alive. Our closest allies are the bats who willingly give us their blood to energize our reproductive system. Blood from bats provide us with the dietary substances required for production of viable eggs.
Belinda: Oh, I see. How did the blood diet come about? Mr. Paramecium said you orchestrated the rebellion that led to the emergence of the Cimicosis family. What was the motivation?
Lectularius: Let’s start with the appetite for blood. It comes naturally to us you know. When we left the Ciliate family and its boring water habitat, we gradually lost the taste for algae and other stuff we fed on in the marine environment. Much later, the craving for blood started and we can’t explain where it came from.
Belinda: So, why did you leave the Ciliate family?
Lectularius: I was tired of being a Mr. Nobody. How many times have you read articles in any platform on the life or antics of a Paramecium? What good is life when no one talks about you?
Belinda: (Scandalized). Are you implying that you deliberately transformed into a monster of sort just to attract attention?
Lectularius: What is so bad about that? Almost everyone craves attention. We in the Cimicosis family are not bashful about it. I could say the same thing about you.
Belinda: I’m certainly not in that mould.
Lectularius: So, why did you become a journalist? I’ve never seen a bashful member of your profession. That’s why you guys are crazy about being the first to break bad news.
Belinda: You have a point there. But, then we don’t go about disturbing people’s sleep in the night just to quench our thirst for blood!
Lectularius: I admire your guts. Anyway, it’s great to live without any inhibition. That’s one of the benefits of being a bug. Nobody bugs us except some humans with poor sleeping habit who swat us when we try to suck their blood.
Belinda: I’ve seen pictures of human victims of attack by bed bugs. Not a pretty sight. Don’t you have any sympathy for them?
Lectularius: (Laughter). Sympathy? But we must survive! You humans feed on animals. Do you show them any compassion? I don’t know why you humans make so much fuss about our eating habit. It may interest you to know that we do not transmit diseases to humans. We are not really the monsters you make us out to be.
Belinda: Point taken. So, how did you evolve from Paramecium into a bed bug?
Lectularius: It’s difficult to explain the process to you humans. Evolution is not a day’s affair. It took us about two hundred years to discard every vestige of the Ciliate lifestyle and transform into a Cimicosis.
Belinda: My interest is in knowing how the transformation occurred. It’s really difficult for me to understand how you can go to bed at night a Paramecium and wake up in the morning as a bed bug. That’s the point of contention between Creationists and Evolutionists. How does such a change occur without an Intelligent Being orchestrating it?
Lectularius: You’re thinking like a Creationist. You can’t understand the evolutionary process except you remove the blinders that are affecting your perception.
Belinda: One thing I’ve noticed in the interview I’ve conducted so far is the tendency of Evolutionists to evade the important cosmological question of cause and effect. You said earlier that you appreciated our chat because I would serve as your voice to humanity. How can I explain your evolution from Paramecium to bed bug to my readers without telling them how this occurred?
Lectularius: Frankly, you are asking me to contrive an answer that will satisfy your curiosity. All I know is that I transited from Paramecium to Bed bug without any prompting by an outside force. If your readers cannot accept this simple fact, they need to wait until the reverse evolution starts in about two million years from now.
Belinda: That’s another interesting concept. So, we should be expecting a reverse evolution.
Lectularius: Certainly. Were you not taught in college that the earth revolves on its axis? A major evolutionary process occurs every four million years. The last one was recorded two million years ago.
Belinda: Very interesting stuff. I wonder what all of us will transform into this time around. By the way, did all the Paramecium who left the Ciliate family survive the evolutionary process?
Lectularius: This is the part of the story that I’m not excited about sharing with you. We had a stable community of bed bugs until some of us became too big for our boots. We tried to foster the needed unity but things gradually fell apart.
Belinda: So sorry about that. Family quarrels can be very ugly.
Lectularias: Yeah. The word ugly captures the moment succinctly. Anyway, the rebels were forced to leave our community and start another one on the lee ward side of the great Amazon River.
Belinda: I would love to chat with one of them if that can be arranged.
Lectularias: Certainly. We still interact with them occasionally. I’ll contact Comrade Ant and arrange for the interview.
Belinda: Thanks so much for your trouble.
Lectularias: It’s not a bother at all. I’ve enjoyed the chat with you.
Chapter 10 – Ant Hill Politics
Insects are living metaphors for me.
They are so alien and so remote and so perfect,
but also they are emotionless; they don’t have
any human or mammalian instincts.
They’ll eat their young at the drop of a hat; they
can eat your house! – There’s no empathy- none.
Guillermo del Toro13
I was really excited about my upcoming visit to the Formicidae family of Ants. Those little fellows intrigue me a lot with their organized lifestyle. Another fascinating thing about Ants is their strong sense of smell. I used to wonder how they are able to track down even a granule of sugar or any sugary stuff without much ado. Their colonies are equally unique in every sense. These are very busy guys and they do not brook indolence within their midst!
After leaving Ecotupana Lodge, Itacoatiara, the Tour Guide explained that the location described by Lecturarias was within another part of the dense Amazon rainforest. He suggested that we hire a gondola (an impoverished cable car) from the locals. This sounded exciting and I quickly jumped at the idea. The ride was exhilarating. The sights and sounds of the forest were beyond words as we cruised about 200ft above the forest floor.
The diversity of plant species was breathtaking. I couldn’t take enough pictures! I was not too glad when we commenced the descent to the Ant Hill where the head of the Formicidae family, Hymenlini was waiting for me. The Tour Guide and I arrived just in time for the change of guard at the Colony. The place was a beehive of activity. The Ergates (workers) and Dinergates (soldiers) ignored us as they weaved their way around the Colony. A regal looking Ant approached us and said, “Ma’am, welcome to our settlement. I’m your host. Let’s have the chat”.
Belinda: Very kind of you to see me at such a short notice Mr. Hymenlini.
Hymenlini: Glad to be of assistance to you Ma’am. What are your areas of interest?
Belinda: The works. Specifically how you transited from bed bug to an ant, your relationship with other families in your ecosystem, including humans.
Hymenlini: Hmm. Ma’am, some humans propagate the gospel of incarnation. If you were given an opportunity to choose between coming back to earth as a bed bug or ant, which would you choose?
Belinda: An ant. I can’t imagine myself feeding on blood.
Hymenlini: Exactly. I enjoyed the blood diet for about one thousand years. I thought it was the best way to live until I stumbled on the sugary nectar of a tiny plant that sprouted close to a ledge where I took my siesta. The taste of the nectar was heavenly. That set me on a quest for more, though I didn’t share my discovery with other Comrades immediately. From there, I discovered more goodness in fruits you humans call oranges, mangoes, banana and the like. Well, I eventually repented of my selfishness and opened up to my Comrades about my eating escapades. I kid you not; hell literally broke loose when they heard that I was feeding on something other than their much prized blood. I was labeled a rebel and thrown out of my dwelling place. Fortunately, some Comrades with an adventurous spirit joined the rebellion. The more we diversified our diet, the more our physical appearance changed. The most significant features we acquired were our elbowed antenna and slender waists.
Belinda: How long did it take you guys to develop the new features?
Hymenlini: You should know that we don’t count years the way humans do. If I can give an estimate, I would say 30 years.
Belinda: Quite fascinating. Why did other bed bugs react so violently to your new eating habit?
Hymenlini: I think it was a question of sustaining the bed bug genes. In fact, they felt that I was a traitor to their cause and a pollutant.
Belinda: Pollutant? How?
Hymenlini: They were afraid they would lose the motivation for projecting blood as the source of their lives. Apart from living off humans and bats, what contribution do bed bugs make to nature? How useful are they? I think my Comrades saw me in a new light they were too afraid to explore.
Belinda: So, how do you run your Colony?
Hymenlini: That’s an interesting question. When some of us were ejected from our former abode, we decided to be each other’s keeper. The hostility with other bed bugs was so intense that we felt threatened. The fear of the unknown created a bond of friendship among us that propelled us to live in unity to this day. We also organized ourselves according to the work schedule allotted each of us. I’m sure you noticed our workers and soldiers at the entrance to the Colony. We equally have the fertile males you humans call ‘drones’ or ‘aner’ and fertile females known as ‘queens’ or ‘gynes’. My partner, Dorylini is the Queen of the queens. She oversees the reproductive activity of female members of the settlement.
Belinda: Is it possible to have a word with her?
Hymenlini: Aha, I would’ve loved to do that but she left with a group of soldiers and workers this morning to source food for the commune.
Belinda: You earlier explained that you transformed into an ant from a bed bug by choice. How did you acquire the unique features of an ant, especially the ability to hear by feeling vibrations in the ground through your feet?
Hymenlini: That was developed over time. You must remember that evolution is a process.
Belinda: I also understand that though ants don’t have lungs, oxygen enters your body through tiny holes all over your body and carbon dioxide leaves your body through the same holes. Is this feat also the product of evolution?
Hymenlini: Certainly.
Belinda: That’s okay. So, what’s your relationship with others in the larger Fauna and Flora communities?
Hymenlini: We promote mutual relationship with other Comrades who respect our way of life. We also strive to defend ourselves against hostile forces, including humans.
Belinda: Much has been said about the impiety inherent in the blood sucking activities of bed bugs. Don’t you think your invasion of human habitations to destroy buildings and crops also deserve condemnation?
Hymenlini: I don’t know how to answer this question without sounding uncaring or snobbish. Have humans fared better than us in treating nature with the respect it deserves? You destroy our Colonies at will and hunt us down for use in your cuisines. You also chase us from your streets and farms with pesticides and insecticides. Some of you treat us with utmost contempt because we are good natured.
Belinda: Don’t take this too much to heart. Although humans have a sense of entitlement that encourages the kind of abuse you’ve highlighted, we also value the relationship with you, particularly your contribution to agriculture. How would we have been able to decompose organic waste without your help? You also assist us to aerate the soil by bringing pebbles and particles to the top. Such interventions are invaluable to us. I apologize for the abuses.
Hymenlini: It’s great to know that we’re appreciated by some humans.
Belinda: I spoke for many of us who appreciate the symbiotic relationship between man and the entire fauna and flora.
Hymenlini: Thanks.
Belinda: There’s a line in this narrative that will interest my readers. Evolutionists say that Ants somehow or the other transformed into a leech. What’s your take on this assertion?
Hymenlini: (Laughter). There’s no kingdom without rebels. Just like it happened with the bed bug family, some of my Comrades didn’t enjoy our nectar diet for long. They craved blood and made no pretence about their leaning. We didn’t chase them out of the Colony anyway. Apparently they were ashamed to return to the bed bug family. They later settled in some swamps and rivers not too far from one of our Colonies. We still interact with them when occasion demands.
Belinda: They sound like an interesting bunch. I would love to chat with them.
Hymenlini: That’ll pose no problem.
Belinda: Thanks so much for your time.
Hymenlini: I’ve enjoyed the chat too. Thanks.
Chapter 11 – Don’t Fish In Troubled Waters
The leech’s kiss, the squid’s embrace,
The prurient ape’s defiling touch: And
Do you like the human race? No, not much.
Aldous Huxley14
I don’t know about you. But leeches are not my favorite topic for discussion at any level. What I associate with them are people who add nothing to my life- those who believe my time and resources are theirs for the asking. Names really express character, don’t they? So is it with leeches because they leech! Who hasn’t felt that familiar emotion we aptly describe as anger well up in our chest when these unproductive things attach themselves to our limbs (or lives) and refuse to let go?
The Tour Guide and I were escorted to a river not too far from Hymenlini’s Colony to have the chat with Mr. Hirudinea, the head of the Annelida family of Leeches. I could barely conceal my revulsion at the sight of the very unsightly being twirling towards me. It was ugliness personified. I had to mind my manners though so, I looked it straight in the face and said, “Glad to be acquainted with you Mr. Hirudinea”. It simply bobbed its head and beckoned on me to start the discussion.
Belinda: Mr. Hymenlini spoke glowingly about you. He is delighted that you still keep in touch with him despite the differences in your orientation.
Hirudinea: The feeling is mutual. He’s quite accommodating.
Belinda: That’s great. Tell me about the Annelida family. How does it feel like to be a Leech?
Huridinea: Fantastic! I’ve had several opportunities to change into something else in my more than two million years on earth but chose to remain in this family.
Belinda: So, what’s special about a Leech?
Huridinea: For one, you humans leave us alone. How many people will include us in their cuisines? Most importantly, we are the only products of evolution with 32 brains. We also have two reproductive organs, 18 testicles and 10 stomachs each.
Belinda: Wow! So many brains, testicles and stomachs in one leech! You guys must be very smart and real studs too! And the many stomachs! No wonder you get so glued to your victims and refuse to let go except you’re yanked off!
Huridinea: I don’t know if that’s supposed to be a compliment or sarcasm. Whatever it is, I want you to know that we don’t go after any prey except those who choose to invade our habitat.
Belinda: So, in effect you’re justifying sucking the blood of humans and small invertebrates?
Huridinea: I’m saying that humans and other animals should keep off marine environments, especially ponds, streams and rivers where we live and nurture our offspring.
Belinda: I’m intrigued by the preponderance of these special features among leeches. I understand that though each of you has both male and female reproductive organs, you line yourself up, head to feet and trade sperm packets. How did you guys acquire such features after your departure from the Formicidae family of Ants?
Huridinea: Evolution is a process. It took us more than a million years to move from that state to where we are now. It isn’t something I can put into words.
Belinda: It’s difficult for me to conceptualize how such a drastic change could occur without an external stimulus.
Huridinea: Do you have a better explanation?
Belinda: How about the creation viewpoint that ascribes your presence on earth to the ingenuity of a divine Being?
Huridinea: You are asking me to believe that Someone willed me into existence? Why would He or She do that?
Belinda: Let’s start with the food chain. According to the Creationists, a Supreme Being initiated a network of links in a food web, starting from producer organisms like you and ending at apex predator species like humans and lions. In effect, you were created to serve the interest of other animals.
Huridinea: So, what’s the specific role of my family in the food chain?
Belinda: Well, from my little knowledge of Biology, the Annelida family serves as food for predators like fish, birds, snakes, amphibians, insects and snails.
Huridinea: Are you implying that these predators would go extinct if the leech population were decimated?
Belinda: Not really. Some could survive if they feed on other animals in the food chain.
Huridinea: Then does it really matter if we exist or not?
Belinda: It does, I can assure you. The Annelida family brings too many things to the table of human existence to be ignored. Before we lose track of our discussion, I would love to know how successful your transition from Formicidae family of Ants to Annelida was in terms of the survival rate. Did all the ‘rebels’ evolve into leeches? Are you still together?
Huridinea: What a combo of questions? I can summarize the answer this way- about thirty percent evolved into Annelida and ten percent of these left the family about six hundred years after we parted ways with the Ants.
Belinda: So, where are your estranged Comrades?
Huridinea: Some mutated into prawns. They’ve kept to themselves since the bitter feud and the separation that followed.
Belinda: Is it something you can share with me?
Huridinea: Certainly. The point of departure was the blood diet. Some of them felt that it was restrictive to feed on just one substance when we could choose from the variety of resources in the marine environment. It was a long drawn battle that could only have ended the way it did.
Belinda: Is there anyone in your family that can introduce me to your former Comrades? I would appreciate it.
Huridinea: Just give me two hours to arrange it.
Belinda: Thanks a bunch