Adventures of Flora and Fauna: Spicy Proof of Evolution by Pearl Adams. The book is a satire aimed at showing the ridiculousness of Evolution Theory
Chapter 12 – Let’s Do the Pincer’s Salsa
Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the
Mollusk tribe for their hospitality.
“You mean”, said Fighting Prawn,
“For not killing you?” “Yes”, said
Leonard. “It was very gracious of you”.
“Do you”, said Leonard, “I mean, does
your tribe, shake hands?” “No”, said
Fighting Prawn. “We kiss on the lips”.
“Oh”, said Leonard, looking very alarmed.
Dave Barry15
I returned to Austin after the encounter with the representative of the Annelida family of Leeches. I wasn’t able to interview any member of the Crustacean family of Prawns because of sudden unrest in areas around the Amazon River. Some locals protested an embargo on the operation of gondolas (impoverished cable cars) by the Brazillian government. My boss suggested that I continue the interview in Little Rock, Arkansas which has the oldest prawn farm in the USA. Of course, that would also give me the opportunity to touch base and enjoy the company of my folks.
Too tired of the long flight to Brazil, I opted to go by road to Little Rock. My folks and colleagues tried to dissuade me to no avail. I went with an Uber cab though. We got into Little Rock after 8 hours and eleven minutes of non-stop driving. My final destination was the Little Rock Zoo which houses about 200 species of animals, as part of the city’s conservation efforts. The river running through the southern part of the zoo was home to the largest collection of seafood, especially members of the Decapoda family of prawns. I was received by an official who introduced himself as Bob Dickens. Without much ado, he led me to my host, Mr. Alphida.
I was impressed with the way he moved his pincers, claws and three pairs of legs simultaneously. It was indeed salsa dance at its best. He obviously enjoyed the attention because he said, “You can’t get anything better than this elsewhere. We’re the best dancers in the universe”. I laughed and shook one of his whiskers before we sat down for the chat.
Belinda: Nice to meet you at last Mr. Alphida. I’m a fan.
Alphida: That’s to say you love to feed on us!
Belinda: Not really. I’m impressed with the way you gobble up algae in the marine environment, as well as helping humans to increase the store of oxygen for sea grass beds that provide sanctuaries for fish and shellfish. We can’t thank you enough.
Alphida: I’m surprised that you know so much about us.
Belinda: I make it a point of duty to be properly acquainted with my friends.
Alphida: Okay. So, what can I do for you?
Belinda: I was told by Comrade Huridinea of the Annelida family of Leeches that you have information that’s of benefit to my magazine and its readers.
Alphida: To be candid, I wasn’t properly briefed by the contact person. I was just told to expect a female journalist. So, what exactly are you looking for? What is the genre of your magazine?
Belinda: It’s a general interest publication with focus on politics and lifestyle. I’m actually conducting a research on evolutionary trends. I was asked to chat with you after Hurinadea explained that you contributed significantly to the emergence of the Decapoda family.
Alphida: He’s on point. I was a very contented leech until I ate the larva of a strange creature while foraging for food in the Indo-West Pacific Ocean. Suddenly, I lost the appetite for blood. I started having a craving for dead or decaying organic materials and algae. My Comrades in the Annelida family observed the huge change in my eating habit but were unable to help me. As time progressed, I developed 10 legs and a thin exoskeleton, the head, thorax and abdomen. I completely lost my leech identity. It was then some of my Comrades prevailed on me to take them through the same journey and the rest is history.
Belinda: Were you comfortable with the sudden changes?
Alphida: Certainly not. It took me time to even understand what I was experiencing. Now, I don’t see change as a retrogressive force. As one of your prolific writers, William Shakespeare said, “What is past is prologue”.
Belinda: (Laughter). I had no idea that prawns enjoy such classics!
Alphida: There, there! You thought we spend all our time chasing algae?
Belinda: (Laughter). Not really. I wasn’t expecting to hear Shakespeare quoted in a conservation Zoo! Oh well, stranger things do happen, especially in Little Rock. By the way, you mentioned earlier that you had your transformation experience in Indo-West Pacific Ocean. That’s a long way from here.
Alphida: Yes. We in the Decapoda family migrate a lot. Some of us moved to the Gulf of Mexico from the Indo-Pacific Ocean before I was ‘captured’ and brought to the Zoo.
Belinda: So, what’s life like as a prawn?
Aphilda: Fascinating. We’re good swimmers and we enjoy life to the full.
Belinda: There’s an interesting fact about your family that intrigues me in relation to evolution. I read somewhere that you carry in your body, a cancer-fighting oxidant known as selenium. How did you acquire that?
Aphilda: Through the same process that brought me out of the Annelida family.
Belinda: If you had your way, what else would you had loved to evolve into?
Alphida: Some Comrades that joined me from the Annelida family have moved on to a higher form of life. I’ve tried everything to be like them but failed. I’m not begrudging them though.
Belinda: Would you be kind to introduce me to any of them?
Alphida: I would’ve loved to but my incarceration in this Zoo is a hindrance. I’m sure you’ll find a way to contact them.
Belinda: So, what did they mutate into?
Alphida: Sharks.
Belinda: What a transformation! It’s difficult to understand the nature of change that takes a prawn from an algae eating Decapoda to the ferocious and dangerous king of the ocean. Thanks so much for the valuable information you’ve shared with me. I should be returning to the hotel to prepare for the next trip.
Alphida: It was nice talking to you. I wish you well.
Chapter 13 – I Smell Blood
The shark is the apex predator in the sea.
Sharks have molded evolution
for 450 million years. All fish
species that are prey to the sharks have
had their behavior, their speed,
their camouflage, their defense
mechanisms molded by the shark.
Paul Watson16
For someone that has never seen a shark except in movies, I wasn’t looking forward to a close encounter with my next guest. I had tried to negotiate with Michael Lionel, the sponsor, for an alternative to a shark; perhaps a ray or skate, but he would have none of that. He explained that breaking the evolutionary chain would disrupt the flow of the interview. Though his argument was tenable, I was actually afraid of being in close quarters with the big fish that made the movie ‘Jaws’ so terrifying. I totally disagree with Yasmine Hamdi’s assertion that “Sharks aren’t the monsters we make them out to be”. How could sharks be described as lions of the sea by Munia Khan and still be harmless?
I was still mulling over these facts when my boss called to inform me that Lionel had arranged for an interview with a ‘tamed’ Leopard shark at San Diego Zoo known as Canthus. I was glad for the reprieve as the initial plan was for me to travel to Oregon to chat with the ‘wild’ Great White shark specie. I don’t think it’s folly to avoid an entity described by Tom Robbins as “The criminal of the sea!”
The American Airline flight from New York landed at San Diego International Airport in a record time of 5 hours. I was surprised to find a chauffeur-driven Limousine waiting for me at the Airport, courtesy of Lionel. We drove straight to the Zoo as I intended to check into the hotel after the interview. An attendant took me straight to the Aquarium housing my host. My first thought on seeing the large fish was, “What a beautiful creature!” To think that I ever scoffed at Peter Benchley’s declaration in ‘Jaws’, that sharks are “impossibly perfect piece of machinery”! It occurred to me that despite its unparallel beauty, my host was still a predator, so I asked the attendant if I could conduct the interview behind the voice modulated glass partition. He looked at me with a smile playing around his eyes and said “Sure”. He tucked at a small device hidden from view and gave me a signal to begin the chat.
Belinda: Hello Mr. Canthus. My name is Belinda Aidan. Thanks for giving me your time.
Canthus: I’m glad to have the opportunity to talk with someone. I’ve been scooped up in this hole all day. I can’t understand why I’m being punished with solitary confinement just because some of my Comrades inflict injuries on humans.
Belinda: So sorry for the inconvenience Mr. Canthus. I wish there was anything I could do to lessen your pains.
Canthus: It’s okay. I’ve got to pull myself together. How may I help you?
Belinda: I’m here to find out the genesis of the Selachii family of sharks. I was with Mr. Aphilda of the Decapoda family of prawns a few days ago on a similar mission. When I sought to know the fate of other members of the Annelida family who transformed into prawns along with him, he advised me to interview any shark specie.
Canthus: You’ve come to the right place. I’m the only survivor of the rebellion that led to the emergence of Selachi family.
Belinda: So, how did you achieve the rare feat of transforming from a prawn to shark?
Canthus: More than 5 million years ago, my Comrades and I from the Annelida family were cavorting in a small river close to the Pacific Ocean. Suddenly, the water became colder due to a shift in temperature. Over time, we developed serrated teeth and grew larger in size to the embarrassment of other prawns. One thing led to another and we were eventually banished by other members of the family.
Belinda: I understand that there are over 500 species of sharks. Did all of them evolve from prawns?
Canthus: Not really. The differences in our shape and eating habits are the outcome of evolution. For instance, some sharks feed on penguins, fish, dolphins and whales, while others eat turtles, squid, bony fish and smaller sharks.
Belinda: Pardon me. I’m having difficulty wrapping my head around the mode of transformation. Let’s see. On a certain day, a prawn got tired of being a prawn. It visualized a new form of life; to be a big fish with serrated teeth and poof, it transforms into a shark. How does this sound to you?
Canthus: You don’t understand because you haven’t been exposed to the same condition we’re talking about. The transformation took million of years! There’s no other way to explain evolution Ma’am.
Belinda: That’s the plank of the argument against Evolution Theory. If you who claimed to have experienced it can’t explain the process, how would my readers align with your postulation?
Canthus: I still insist that there are imponderables that should be accepted on their merits. There are too many facts in support of evolution even you a Christian journalist cannot ignore.
Belinda: That’s why I’m here. The entire project centers on the quest to give evolutionists a voice using the instrumentality of a magazine with a mass appeal. Bowl me over with the facts and I will convey them in raw form to my readers.
Canthus: I’m sorry. I can’t give you what I don’t have.
Belinda: Okay. Let’s move on. What is it like to be a shark?
Canthus: Before I was captured and brought to this place, I enjoyed the annual migration to the different Oceans. It was fun hunting our preys and performing our threat displays.
Belinda: What is a threat display?
Canthus: (Laughter). You don’t seem to know much about us, do you. When we are endangered, we make exaggerated body movements to ward off our adversaries.
Belinda: That’s ingenious! Is that part of the evolution package?
Canthus: No. It developed over time.
Belinda: Isn’t that strange? New features just pop up at will!
Canthus: Nothing is strange in the animal kingdom Ma’am. We are serviced by nature.
Belinda: Good to know. What other special gift has nature endowed you with?
Canthus: We are also endowed with the ability to move very fast in water. This enables us to evade attacks by humans and other predators. Some of us can move at a speed of about 50 kilometers per hour. This could be more if we smell blood.
Belinda: Now, I can really sympathize with you over this solitary confinement.
Canthus: That helps. But seriously, I’m gradually coming to terms with my predicament.
Belinda: I understand that you have unique scales called dermal denticles that help you move quickly through water and that you can only swim forward. Did these come with your evolution or later?
Canthus: We developed them as part of the strategy to survive in hostile environments.
Belinda: So, you can change your features at will?
Canthus: Not in all cases. Something in us; some kind of chemical reaction occurs when we’re faced with danger and energizes appropriate response through the desired feature.
Belinda: You did mention that you’re the only survivor of the original evolution from Annelida to Selachi family. What happened to the others?
Canthus: Within the 500 million years of our existence, climate change and the attendant habitat alteration affected the shark family. This compelled many of my brethren to develop features that enabled them to survive these changes. That’s why we can survive in both coastal surface waters of all the major oceans, as well as fresh waters in rivers.
Belinda: What other life forms did these assume?
Canthus: They are still sharks but with prominent features that are different from mine.
Belinda: So, how did you part ways with them?
Canthus: There was a mutiny of sorts and they had the upper hand. I was forced to move from the Pacific to Indian Ocean.
Belinda: Is there any of your Comrades that can throw more light on the aftermath of that mutiny?
Canthus: I would’ve loved to help you, but my hands are tied. The glass barrier is real Ma’am. I’m sorry. I’m sure whoever is sponsoring this show will find a way to locate the right source.
Belinda: Thanks so much for your time once again. I’ve learnt so much from you.
Canthus: You’re welcome Ma’am.
Chapter 14 – Law of Natural Selection
My eyes are constantly wide open to the
extraordinary fact of existence.
Not Just human existence, but the existence of
how this breathtakingly powerful process, which is
natural selection, has managed to take the very
simple facts of physics and chemistry and
build them up to redwood trees and humans.
Richard Dawkins17
I returned to New York after the last interview to await further instruction from Lionel. It was a time to take stock of the progress made in the assignment. Because the interviews were being serialized by our magazine, I had the opportunity to gauge the opinion of my colleagues. The consensus was that I had done a marvelous job thus far. I was also told that five companies were bidding for film rights. My mum equally called from Austin to register her approval.
Three days later, Lionel called to inform me that one of the sharks that participated in the rebellion against Canthus had been located at a conservation Zoo, off the coast of Taipei, Taiwan. I wasn’t so excited about the information because I was enjoying the camaraderie of my colleagues. I wasn’t also keen about visiting Taipei. My last trip there wasn’t so fantastic. I found the city too noisy for my liking. Anyway, since I hadn’t a productive choice, I promptly left the office to prepare for the trip.
The flight from New York was hitch-free and we landed at Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport on schedule. Despite the arduousness of the cab driver, the ride to Grand Hyatt Hotel took forever due to the chaotic traffic in the city. My contact, Sung Chengla was waiting at the Lobby. My first impression of her was, “Wow, what a skin!” Her milky skin literally glowed and she had the gait of a teenager. My expression must’ve given her an idea about the trend of my thoughts because she said, “Asian women are naturally very conscious of their skins. That also contributes to longevity since the skin is our first contact with things that contribute to premature aging, especially pollution. I’m sure you’re also wondering about my age. Most of my Western clients do. I’m 58 years old”.
I was stunned and blurted, “You don’t look a day older than 19! You must guide me into the secret of your youthful looks”. Sung smiled and said “Most Westerners don’t seem to have sufficient time to invest on their skins. When I visited Los Angeles three years ago, I noticed that your beauty regimen was not as demanding as ours. I can introduce you to a very good Spa while you are here”. I was really impressed with this diminutive lady. I thanked her for the offer and promised to take more care of my skin so that it can glow like hers. Both of us laughed as she escorted me to the room to drop my stuff before moving to the zoo.
Unlike the conservation Zoo in Little Rock, the cage holding Mr. Hexanchi, the Blue Shark chosen for the interview was very wide with partitions low enough for the occupant to do some acrobatic displays. The wide space gave the big fish more freedom than its comrade, Canthus. I walked gingerly to the edge of the first aperture and was surprised to find a small turtle dangling from the mouth of my host. Apparently it was a gift for me! I laughed and moved closer to the opening to begin the interview. The shark dropped the poor animal and asked me to start the chat.
Belinda: Hi there Mr. Hexanchi. I’m glad to meet another member of the Selachi family.
Hexanchi: Glad to meet you too Ma’am. Before we start the chat, there are things you should know. In particular, Comrade Canthus is the only surviving member of the Selachi clan. After the rebellion against him, many of us evolved into diverse forms of sharks. Currently, there are about 15 families, though the number of species stands at over 500. I belong to the Rhincodon family.
Belinda: Thanks so much for the information. So, what triggered the ‘civil war’?
Hexanchi: Have you heard of the phrase, ‘Law of natural selection’?
Belinda: Yes, but I don’t know much about the concept.
Hexanchi: It operates this way. If there are two thousand entities at a location and the food/living space available can only cater for five, there will be a fierce competition among the occupants. Naturally, the stronger entities carry the day and decide the fate of their weak adversaries.
Belinda: Did this play out in your relationship with Canthus?
Hexanchi: Not exactly in the same sequence. Before the rebellion, Comrade Canthus exercised absolute authority over all families and species. As time progressed, his authoritarian ways became a source of friction in the comity of sharks. As one of you rightly observed, ‘power corrupts absolutely and absolute power corrupts absolutely’.
Belinda: Were there no interventions from other senior members of the Selachi family?
Hexanchi: It’s impossible to correct a despot.
Belinda: I’m surprised to hear that he was a dictator. I didn’t pick up that vibe while chatting with him.
Hexanchi: (Laughter). Prolonged incarceration can tame anyone!
Belinda: So, how did the rebellion occur?
Hexanchi: You remember the explanation I gave on the Law of natural selection? Some of us were procreating so indiscriminately that feeding became a problem for everyone. To compound the situation, Comrade Canthus insisted on appropriating half of the prey caught during our hunting trips. We tolerated this for millions of years until one of us, Perryi challenged him openly. In his rage, he forbade the poor thing from joining the annual migration to other Oceans. That was how the Comrade described by your scientists as ‘dwarf lanternshark’ died of hunger.
Belinda: So, was the demise of your Comrade the catalyst for the mutiny?
Hexanchi: Not exactly. It was more than that. Canthus’ despotic ways caused so much dissension within the shark community, prompting some of us to mutate into other life forms.
Belinda: That’s interesting. What other life forms?
Hexanchi: Several. The Codylidae clan in particular evolved into Crocodiles.
Belinda: Wow! That’s like a tree transforming into grass. How did this come about?
Hexanchi: (Laughter). That’s a question for the Codylidaes!
Belinda: Do you have any contact with them?
Hexanchi: Can you imagine Crocodiles and Sharks meeting for lunch?
Belinda: (Laughter). I get your point. I’ll try to get across to them through other channels.
Hexanchi: That wraps it up then. Let me know if you have any challenge in that regard. There’s always the back-door approach.
Belinda: Thank you so much for your time.
Chapter 15 – The Croc Smile
You know the trait of a crocodile don’t you?
It never hunts outside water.
It always goes into the water to catch its prey.
It never goes in the village or in the bush looking for food.
It strikes at the appropriate time.
Emmerson Mnangagwa18