Adventures of Flora and Fauna: Spicy Proof of Evolution by Pearl Adams. The book is a satire aimed at showing the ridiculousness of Evolution Theory. We inadvertently left out Chapter 23 last month. It is included in the current edition.
Chapter 23 – Not Too Dirty to Swirl
I never met a pig I didn’t like. All pigs
are intelligent, emotional, and sensitive souls.
They all love company. They all crave contact
and comfort. Pigs have a delightful sense of mischief;
most of them seem to enjoy
a good joke and appreciate music. And that is
something you would certainly never
suspect from your relationship
with a pork chop.
Sy Montgomery26
It took Lionel five days to locate one of the bear-turned pigs. While awaiting his directive, Francisca and I used the opportunity to explore the rich cultural heritage of the Canadian people. We also visited her maternal uncle at Ottawa, about 9 hours, 39 minutes drive from Ontario. Lionel’s message reached us while we were still in Ottawa, so we immediately took a flight back to Ontario as we had left some of our stuff at the hotel. We were asked to prepare for a trip to Great Britain, where one of the pigs, Sunabi was reportedly under the custody of the Rare Breeds Survival Trust (RBST). The organization pursues a mandate dedicated to securing the future of rare and native breeds of farm livestock.
I was more than excited to visit Britain again, despite the prospect of another long flight. That beautiful country was like a second home to me. The major attraction was the annual Wimbledon Tennis tournament which traditionally takes place over two weeks in late June and early July. I hadn’t missed any of the championships since 2009. I also love the country’s stunning coastline, quaint villages and its rich fascinating history centered on the royal family. In college, my girlfriends teased me endlessly about my obsession with the Brits. One of them, Kimberly Carlton cheekily told me that I will end up marrying “one of those ugly and boring English lords”. I just blew her a kiss and said, “Then you’ll be the bridesmaid and get hooked to an equally uninspiring and ugly best man!”
Francisca and I visited Cotswold Wildlife Park and Gardens, Bradwell Grove, Oxfordshire operated by RBST, a day after we arrived from Canada. The facility spread across 160 acres was home to 260 animal species. It was different from all the parks we’d visited thus far. There were grottos for picnickers and a mock railway, interspersed with tree houses for children.
The Tour Guide, Ellis Dexter escorted us to the pig pens and excused himself to attend to other visitors. We didn’t have to make enquiries about our host for the pig approached us with a broad smile and drawled, “You must be the girls from Hamarica”. I returned the smile and said, “Sure. You must be Mr. Sunabi of Suidae family of pigs. My name is Belinda and my companion is Francisca. Can we begin the chat?
Sunabi: (Laughter). As if I’ve got a choice. Go ahead and ask your questions Ma’am.
Belinda: (Laughter). Of course you do! Tell us what it’s like to be a pig.
Sunabi: (Laughter). You don’t really want to know, do you?
Belinda: I sure do Mr. Sunabi. I know you get bad press all the time because of the clumsiness of some of your comrades. Personally, I think that you’re greatly misunderstood and vilified without just cause.
Sunabi: Thank you for the kind words. Well, a pig’s life isn’t different from that of other animals. We toil day and night for humans only to be treated with disdain. They always focus on how untidy we are or our so-called nasty eating habit.
Belinda: How would you want to be treated by humans?
Sunabi: With dignity and decency. We are quite curious by nature you know. That’s why we are always digging away in the earth to satisfy our curiosity.
Belinda: Well, I used to think that the digging was hunger-induced.
Sunabi: Not in all cases. Of course we dig up the earth to look for roots, seeds and insects to eat. We also learn about the world by reaching out with our noses, sensing and smelling things before we see them. We love to have fun; we dance a lot.
Belinda: When I was eight years old, I tried to convince my mum to let me keep a pig at home but lost the argument when she forced me to watch a documentary on the lifestyle of your family members. Is it impossible for you guys to stay clean?
Sunabi: You obviously have not taken time to study how we live. We do not deliberately wallow in the mire. Because we aren’t able to sweat, we’re forced to wallow in the mud to cool down. I want you to know that we’re among some of the cleanest entities in the animal kingdom. For instance, we do not excrete near our living or eating areas. Where did humans get the idea that we are sloppy and dirty?
Belinda: Possibly because most humans form opinions based on what they see and not what they analyze. That brings me to another important question. How did you evolve into a pig from a bear?
Sunabi: I willed it into existence.
Belinda: You did what? How did you achieve such a feat?
Sunabi: I got tired of being a bear. The stress was unbearable. Most humans and other animals treat bears with suspicion. They misinterpret every move we make. When we resist their incursions into our living spaces, they call us names; predators, cruel and the like. One day, I took stock of my life and decided to change direction.
Belinda: But why a pig? Couldn’t you have willed yourself to change into something else?
Sunabi: I had thousand other options, but none satisfied my desire. Do you know that pigs are highly social and intelligent animals?
Belinda: I knew a little about that in my first grade. That was the motivation for wanting to adopt a pig as a pet. Back to the evolutionary process, how did you work out the transformation?
Sunabi: It’s was a manifestation of will power. You can be whatever you want to be if you want it badly enough.
Belinda: Are you saying that you could change into something else tomorrow just by exercising your will power?
Sunabi: The kind of transformation we’re talking about is irreversible.
Belinda: Why is it irreversible? You just declared that you can do anything if you harness your will power. Why would it be impossible for you to either return to your former status of a bear or evolve into another life form after mutating into a pig?
Sunabi: I haven’t seen reverse evolution in my life time. I’m not sure any entity can pull that off.
Belinda: That’s the crux of the criticisms you attract from creationists. Why is evolution one-directional? If all things in the universe happened by chance, why should the process not be multi-dimensional? Why does it have to stop at any point in time?
Sunabi: Evolution doesn’t stop at all. We are all evolving day by day?
Belinda: Evolving into what?
Sunabi: It was a mind control thing. I can’t explain it better than that. I’m sorry.
Belinda: (Laughter). Apology accepted. Did evolution also account for your great sense of smell?
Sunabi: Sure. I think that was intended to compensate for our poor eyesight.
Belinda: I had no idea you had problem with your eyesight. What other special abilities have you received from evolution?
Sunabi: Well, we of the pig family are among the smartest animals on earth!
Belinda: (Laughter). That’s called blowing your own trumpet!
Sunabi: (Laughter). You asked for it!
Belinda: So, where are the other bears that evolved into pigs with you?
Sunabi: We are intact, except comrades Gusae, Jellili, Fracae, Binae and Humdae who mutated into giraffes.
Belinda: Hmm. Another fascinating story! Are they here?
Sunabi: I understand that they were shipped to a Conservation Centre in Auckland, New Zealand.
Belinda: Wow! Another long flight!
Sunabi: Sorry about that.
Belinda: Nothing to be sorry about. Francisca and I are immensely grateful for the hospitality. Thanks a bunch.
Sunabi: I couldn’t have said no to such beautiful ladies. I’m honored by your presence.
Chapter 25 – Monkey Business
I mean to say, we all sprang from humble origins.
Goodness gracious, who would have thought that,
a species of monkey would take over the kingdom
of the world….I cannot help but feel that the
Monkey was not a good choice.
Surely one of the cat families would have been
much more satisfactory. They have a much
less emotional approach to life.
R. Chetwynd-Hayes29
After waiting for three days without a word from Artcyla, Lionel asked us to return to New York. I was glad for another opportunity to reunite with friends and colleagues. Nothing had changed at the office except that Francisca and I were accorded special privileges by our boss. Our offices were renovated and we had some cool furniture to go with the new décor. Our peers didn’t seem to mind the improved status as the magazine did so well, thanks to the serialization of the interviews with the evolution protagonists.
We spent three weeks in the States before word came from a source close to Lionel that one of the giraffes that mutated into a monkey had been sighted in the Democratic Republic of Congo. It took us another five days to prepare for the trip because the representative of Nixon Foundation tasked to procure travel documents for us failed to deliver them within the agreed timeframe.
We were met on arrival at Kinshasa International Airport by the local representative of the Foundation, Tresor Germain. As we exited the Arrival Hall of the Airport, I was surprised when Tresor led us to an 18-seater bus already occupied by some armed men. He must’ve seen the consternation on my face for he said, “Ma’am, the eastern region of my country is unsafe right now. This also goes for areas around Virunga National Park where the target monkey is kept. The men with me are Congolese soldiers assigned to you by our President, Kabilla Mulumba. We don’t want to have any problem with the American government by failing to give the two of you adequate security”. He seemed genuinely relieved when I apologized for acting like an ingrate. I then thanked him for going out of his way to protect us.
During the drive to the hotel, Tresor talked more about the instability in the eastern part of the country. He claimed that the conflict had claimed many lives, while about 500,000 Congolese nationals were in refugee camps in neighboring Burundi, Rwanda, Tanzania and Uganda. It was heart-rending having to listen to stories about effects of the internecine war in the country, particularly the trauma of the displaced persons. Francisca saw the pains in my eyes and gently rubbed my shoulders before she said, “Politicians need to be reminded that nobody wins in this kind of war. How many lives will be wasted before they come to their senses? It’s so pathetic”.
One of the soldiers seating close to us smiled at Francisca and said, “I agree with you that most wars are unnecessary Ma’am. Some of the issues we are killing ourselves over could’ve been resolved through dialogue, but who cares for people like us that are forced to pay the supreme price to salve the ego of crazy politicians”. His rhetoric though apt under the circumstance, was getting too intense for my comfort, so I quickly changed the subject and asked Tresor about the weather condition in Kinshasa. He smiled and whispered, “That was a smart move Ma’am. We can’t afford to allow the soldiers to become over-excited about the war situation otherwise they could do something stupid while you’re under their custody”. I thanked him for his insight and assured him that we’ll not pursue that line of discussion further.
The security team escorted us to Kempinski Hotel Fleuve Congo and promised to return by 8 o’clock the next day to pick us for the trip to the National Park. The hotel had magical dining menus; it was a real battle to keep my hands off the tantalizing dishes at a Restaurant serving Thai and Vietnamese dishes. Francisca and I retired to the room after lunch and read what we could about Congo online.
At the National Park the following day, an official who gave his name as Ubuntu Bosingwa advised us to hire a local Tour Guide familiar with the terrain. He added that the area hosting the evolved monkey had steep hills and that the guide would be able to navigate the dense forest. I thanked him for the counsel and asked him to source for a competent guide for us. When he returned with the local, we moved in a single file towards the mountainous area of the park, with Francisca and I sandwiched between two soldiers. About 50 minutes later, we came to a clearing in the thick forest and were confronted by a troop of monkeys.
One of them with a wizened old face grinned at us and said, “This is surely a great day for the Haplorhini family of monkeys. I hope you guys are here with sack loads of banana”. Apparently Tresor came prepared because he unzipped a duffel bag containing bananas of various sizes and showed the contents to the monkeys. The animals made squeaking sounds that captured their excitement while some embraced each other. When the din ended, Tresor called one of the monkeys aside and asked him to lead us to our host. The animal jumped over to where his comrade with the wizened old face was seated and whispered something in his ears. Whatever it was, the older monkey roared with laughter and quipped, “I’m Simi. Who wants to interview me?”
Belinda: Sir, I presumed that you’re one of the giraffes that mutated into a monkey. My name is Belinda. I represent Glitz Magazine, New York and this is my colleague, Francisca.
Simi: Great to know that I’m important enough to attract such attention. May I ask what this is in aid of?
Belinda: Actually, the magazine is doing a series on evolution at the instance of Nixon Foundation, also based in New York.
Simi: So, what exactly do you want to know?
Belinda: The interview is primarily aimed at giving each product of evolution an opportunity to tell their side of the story. In effect, we desire to know the ‘how’ of the evolution process.
Simi: I see. I’m contemplating on where to start because it’s such a long story.
Belinda: Will it help you if I give you a rundown of our last interview with your former comrade Artcyla?
Simi: Don’t bother. Artcyla had a warped view of the situation that prompted some of us to leave the Girafdae family.
Belinda: Was there some form of family squabbles?
Simi: Squabbles? More like a civil war!
Belinda: Is it something you can share with us?
Simi: Sure. Why not? The contention arose over our height. Some of us felt that our height which is six feet or more was a disadvantage because it made our necks too short to reach the ground. We felt we could entreat Mother Nature to reduce the height or give us longer necks. This would have enabled us to drink water from streams and rivers without having to spread our front legs or kneel awkwardly to do so.
Belinda: Interesting insight on Mother Nature. How possible is it for living entities to change their forms by merely entertaining such thoughts?
Simi: Very easy. There is a saying by one of you humans that if you want something desperately, the entire universe will help you to actualize your goal.
Belinda: So, when nature failed to heed your entreaties, you threw in the towel?
Simi: What else could we have done? None of them tried to stop us from leaving anyway. We were treated like expendables.
Belinda: Can you walk us through the process that culminated in your mutation from pig to a monkey?
Simi: Simple. The five of us that left the Suidae family isolated ourselves from other animals for eight years. We sort of hibernated with a purpose. We wanted something radically different from what nature had bestowed on us. Nature saw how committed we were and rewarded us with a new life form.
Belinda: This nature you speak of, is it a being or an abstract thought?
Simi: Nature is nature. It’s supreme. It conceived and brought forth all life forms and can transform them into something else to suit a particular environment.
Belinda: Wow! Mother Nature must be very intelligent. It gave monkeys unique set of fingerprints just like humans, as well as large brains that contribute to their intelligent disposition. All hail the mighty Nature!
Simi: Indeed, there’s none greater than nature. You only need to see the diversity of its creation to appreciate the assertion by one of you, Albert Einstein said that it is only when you look deep into nature that you can understand everything better.
Belinda: How did you know about Einstein? Are you a fan?
Simi: It will interest you to note that monkeys are voracious readers. How else could we have developed our large brains?
Belinda: (Laughter). I thought the large brain is one of nature’s gifts to your family.
Simi: That could be so, but nature also expects you to grow; to evolve into higher forms of life. You humans are the slowest in this regards because you don’t have faith in the process.
Belinda: This is the second time I’m hearing an evolutionists mention faith and it isn’t really funny. You can’t deride creationists for using faith as their selling point and at the same time promote a similar outlook.
Simi: The faith I referred to is not the wishy-washy emotions propagated by creationists. It’s the acceptance of facts even when they are not discernible.
Belinda: How can you have facts that are not discernible? That’s like saying I’m not a woman until someone tells me that I am; and of course I must see myself as something else until that someone validates my gender.
Simi: You know, we can have this argument from now till forever and none of us would be the wiser. The solution is to accept that nature has given each entity in the universe specific functions to perform. Once we have fulfilled that role, we are productive members of our respective families.
Belinda: Okay. Let’s move on to other areas of your transformation. How has life been as a monkey?
Simi: Splendid! I’ve had no cause to regret changing my family. I live a healthy life. I play more, eat my bananas and generally have fun with my comrades.
Belinda: Scientists assert that you guys can understand written numbers and can even count. In fact, they even claim that your family can understand basic parts of arithmetic and even in rare cases, multiplication. How did you acquire such abilities?
Simi: We simply use our brains.
Belinda: Very smart answer. Thumbs up for you!
Simi: (Laughter). That’s a great compliment coming from you.
Belinda: Yeah. You deserve it. Are the five of you that left the Girafdae family keeping in touch?
Simi: Sadly one of them passed on, while three changed into chimpanzees.
Belinda: Sorry for your loss.
Simi: Thank you. I can link you up with the three chimps if you’re interested.
Belinda: That will be awesome. Where are they?
Simi: Basse Casamance National Park, Zigguinchor in Senegal.
Belinda: We really appreciate your kindness. Thanks once more.
Simi: I wish both of you safe trip.
Chapter 26 – The Chimps Have It
I love chimpanzees. I love their stubbornness and
their strength. I love the way they dig their fingers
into life and never let it get the better of them.
I love the tenderness beneath their wild tempers.
I love them because they refuse to apologize for
who they are.
Vanessa Woods30
I was glad that we didn’t have to make another long trip to interview the two chimpanzees. As soon as we returned to our hotel from Virunga National Park, Kinshasa, I called Lionel and briefed him on the latest development. He also expressed delight that the next assignment was within the same continent. He gave us the phone number of his representative in Dakar and bid us safe trip.
I enjoyed the flight from Kinshasa to Dakar, Senegal tremendously. The Pilot of the Ethiopian Airline was a thorough professional. He gave a good account of himself during the take-off at Kinshasa Airport, despite very poor weather, as well as the landing at Leopold Sedar Senghor International Airport, Dakar, under similar weather condition. Francisca and I were received by a half caste who introduced herself as Aissatou Ababacar. I was relieved that she hadn’t mobilized security operatives to work with us. Being shepherded by soldiers wasn’t my idea of security. What happens to those who are not influential enough to enjoy such privileges?
Though Lionel had advised us to steer clear of local politics, I couldn’t help noticing the wide gap between the poor and the rich in the Third World countries we visited. I really couldn’t understand why their respective governments didn’t make extra efforts to provide basic infrastructure for their people. Some of the roads we used were in deplorable condition, while most vehicles plying them belonged to the refuse dump or car museums.
It took us quite a while to arrive at Radisson Blu Hotel due to the chaotic traffic within the city. I noticed that most of the motorists used their automobile horns indiscriminately; it was so annoying! At the hotel, Aissatou informed us that she’d obtained permission from the Ministry of Interior for us to visit the National Park by 11 o’clock the next day. We thanked her for her efforts and promised to keep the appointment.
We arrived at the Park by 1058 hours and were received by its Directeur General, Ndiaye Abdoulaye. He was full of praises for the American government. I was later informed by Aissatou that his friendly disposition stemmed from a recent pledge by Washington to help the administration of President Asse Bakau modernize Senegal’s energy sector and strengthen basic education in the country. After the pleasantries, the official asked one of his staff to escort us to the grotto housing the chimpanzee. I was actually glad to escape the man’s effusive welcome which smacked of insincerity.
As we stepped out of his office, the staff ushered us into a four-wheel drive van parked at the entrance. When I asked if we could trek to the location to enable us enjoy the scenery, he smiled and said, “We don’t encourage tourists to wade through the forest here Ma’am. The place is literarily busting with all sorts of dangerous reptiles, particularly pythons. I smiled back and thanked him for the information. We drove in silence until we arrived at the specified location. The moment the vehicle stopped at an intersection close to the grotto, its occupant sauntered towards us with arms outstretched.
Our escort alighted from the car and embraced the animal, with both grunting excitedly. We watched with amusement as both gesticulated in our direction before the chimpanzee said, “I am Homini of the Minidae family. You’re welcome to my home. I heard you guys crossed many oceans to have a chat with little old me; I really appreciate this”. As it led the way into the grotto, I glanced at Aissatou and she whispered that I could commence the interview once we took our seats.
Belinda: We thank you for welcoming us to your home. It’s a pleasure to be acquainted with you Mr. Homini.
Homini: Same here. I was told to give you all information you need on my evolutionary journey. Where exactly do you want me to begin?
Belinda: For a start, what motivated you to mutate from a monkey to your present status?
Homini: Hmm. Tough question. I’ve nothing against my monkey comrades. There’s more to life than frolicking and eating banana. I wanted more.
Belinda: So, why a chimp?
Homini: I didn’t choose to be a chimp. Nature did the work; I enjoyed the benefits.
Belinda: Nature. Could you explain the role of this elusive Nature in evolution?
Homini: Nature is the thing that decides what happens in the universe.
Belinda: Splendid! Now we know Nature is a ‘thing’. That means it has some attributes. Could you tell us how you relate with this ‘thing’ that willed you into existence?
Homini: I don’t have to relate with nature to know that it exist! You are becoming exasperating!
Belinda: I apologize if that riles you. That wasn’t the intention. The entire evolutionary process is built on the foundation of rationality. The evolutionists claim to have facts to prove that there is no supreme being that orchestrated creation. You’ve just alluded to the existence of a ‘thing’ that gave birth to you. Is this not confusing?
Homini: I don’t seem to get your drift, except that you want me to accept the creationist viewpoint that a super Being created me. If there’s such a being, why would he make me a chimp?
Belinda: (Laughter). I thought you only had issues with monkeys!
Homini: That’s not the point. Why am I a chimp? Do you know that the average lifespan of a chimpanzee is 15 years? I’ve been able to live for more than 500 years because I’m the original progenitor through evolution. Why couldn’t that being have created us with genes that can last forever? Why must we die?
Belinda: While I may not have the answer on the question of death; I hope you remember that humans also die; I know that you’ve been endowed with much intelligence to think through the contradictions associated with facts bandied by evolutionists. I’m not here to speak for creationists. I want facts without contradictions. Tell me in plain terms how you slept as a monkey and woke up the following day a chimp. That’s all I need.
Homini: I honestly can’t help you because I don’t have such facts.
Belinda: Okay. No point pushing this further. Let’s move to other areas. What is it like to be a chimp?
Homini: Interesting. We are very active by day and spend the night sleeping in nests we make from branches and vines in trees, well above the ground.
Belinda: Why do you sleep above the ground?
Homini: (Laughter). Why do humans live in gated communities and secure their homes?
Belinda: For safety reasons of course!
Homini: Life in the jungle is tough Ma’am. Every animal fends for itself. There’s no free lunch. So, all animals prey on the vulnerable species. Chimps can take care of themselves when they’re awake. Predators like lions and leopards target us when we sleep.
Belinda: I read an article recently where the author claimed that chimps are expert at grooming and that you guys spend a lot of your time running your fingers through each other’s hair to remove dirt. How did you develop such competence?
Homini: It flows from the strong bond in the Minidae family.
Belinda: Thanks for the insight. So, what’s your relationship with the other chimps that left the the Haplorhini family of monkeys?
Homini: We communicate mostly through third parties. One of them known as comrade Gutans was turned into a man by Mother Nature, while the other, Bonono is in custody of the Russian government.
Belinda: Fantastic. Where can I locate the chimp-turned human?
Homini: Before you do that, find a way to meet Bonobo. He’ll tell you why Gutans was chased out of the jungle after it transformed into man.
Belinda: It must’ve done something terrible. Could you share this with us?
Homini: That’s not my story to tell Ma’am. Get Bonobo. He will tell you all you need to know. Good day.
Belinda: Thanks for having us.
Homini: I enjoyed your company too.