The Cancer of Unforgiveness in the Family

Though unforgiveness is a general problem in the society, we are zeroing down to the family level for strategic reasons. We believe that addressing it in the family would impact positively on the society. In the beginning, God created a family comprising Adam and Eve; and later expanded this to include their children. The importance of the family as the fulcrum of society cannot be overemphasized.

According to Alex Haley, author of Roots: The Saga of an American Family, “the family is link to our past, bridge to our future” (incafrica.com). On his part, Cardinal Sean Brady declares that “The family does not exist for the society or the state, but society and the state exist for the family” (accord.ie).  In other words, there can be no society without a family.

          If the family is so critical to the survival of the society, should we not be concerned about its health? Nothing destroys family unity and cohesion than unforgiveness. When we read the story of the woman caught in adultery by the Pharisees in John 8:3-11, we do not realise that we are either that woman or her accusers. You may ask, “What has this story go to do with unforgiveness?” On the surface, it does not have a direct bearing on unforgiveness. The woman was actually caught in the very act according to Scripture. Most importantly, the Law of Moses clearly stated condemned her. The Pharisees were right to demand that the law should take its course.

          It is with the same mind-set that we pursue “justice” against those who wrong us. “My spouse has been unfaithful to me. How can I forgive him or her? “My son has soiled the family name by getting involved in criminal activities”. “My daughter married against my wishes”. “My father abused me sexually”. “I was vilified by my spouses’ family”. The list goes on. In all these cases, someone was wronged and could legitimately seek redress even according to Scripture. For instance, Jesus Himself said that a spouse could file for divorce on grounds of marital infidelity (Mathew 5:32; Mathew 19:9).

Let us return to the story of the woman caught in adultery by the Pharisees. Why did Jesus not condemn her? The challenge he threw to her accusers was, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her”. They could not do that because their conscience convicted them. Jesus who was born without sin was the only one qualified to stone her to death, but He had mercy on her. In Luke 19:10, He said, “For the Son of man came to seek and to save the lost”. This is echoed in John 3:17, “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Clearly, Jesus ushered in the dispensation of grace and God’s mercy. John 1:17 explains that “the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ”. Therefore, in Christ, God’s mercy rejoices over judgment” (James 2:13b).

If God has shown us mercy by forgiving our grievous sins against His holiness, should we not also extend mercy and forgiveness to others? Scriptures tell us that God would not show us mercy if we refuse to forgive those who hurt us. In fact Jesus Himself declared in Mathew 6:15, “But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins”. He also said in Mathew 5:7, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy”. The same thread runs in James 2:13, “Because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment”

          From the Scriptures cited above, it is obvious that we cannot justify unforgiveness for any reason. We have all forfeited our rights to be judges of other misdeeds because we inherited the same sin virus from Adam and Eve. If we are all judged by God’s standard in the Ten Commandments, none of us would be acquitted from His court. If we do not commit adultery, do we keep the other nine commandments? If we have never stolen anything from anyone, have we never coveted what belonged to others in our hearts?

What righteousness can we boast of before God? Isaiah 64:6 tells us that “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our self-righteousness is as filthy rags”. Romans 3:23 also declares that “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”. Verses 24 and 25 of the same chapter state that “All are justified and made upright and in right standing with God, freely and gratuitously by His grace (His unmerited favour and mercy) through the redemption which is (provided) in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward (before the eyes of all) as a mercy seat and propitiation by His blood (the cleansing and life-giving sacrifice of atonement and reconciliation, to be received through faith”.

            In effect, we forgive because we have all been forgiven our sins through the blood of Jesus Christ. But there is a catch there. According to Jesus, we cannot receive God’s mercy through Him if we refuse to show mercy to those who wronged us. Notice that Jesus did not isolate wrongs that we can categorise as “unpardonable”. We are the ones that have coined this term to justify bearing grudges against others or refusing to show them mercy.

That is not to minimise the pains nasty people can inflict on others. We understand that we live in a fallen world and that some people have sold their souls to the devil. Regardless of how much they have hurt us, we must remember that we did worse things to God Himself. That should be the source of our change of heart. If God has forgiven us so much, should we not swallow our pride and show mercy to even the nastiest of people He has allowed to cross our paths?

           Remember that nothing happens to us without God’s knowledge. Personally I believe that God allows some people into our lives for a purpose. How would we develop the fruits of the Spirit without encountering some hard stuffs in our lives? What is the purpose of the Spiritual fruit of patience if we are not expected to exercise it in our relationship with other people? How would we exercise self-control if there is no need for it? The truth is that we cannot bear the fruits of the Spirit except we give ourselves totally to the word of God and His requirement for holiness. Like the Psalmist, we need to hide the word of God in our hearts always so that we would not sin against Him (Psalm 119:11). Most importantly, we must see others the way God sees them. They are precious to Him because He paid for their redemption with the blood of His Son.

           Even the secular world is speaking out against unforgiveness, said to be the leading cause of untreatable cancer. In an article titled, “Survey Links Untreatable Cancer to Unforgiveness”, a Nigerian Newspaper, The Guardian (guardian.com), published findings of a survey conducted among men and women in the United States of America on the issue. According to the survey, 61% of men and 59% of women who had untreatable cancer had unforgiveness issues.

One of the doctors who participated in the study, Patrick Ijewere explained that a chemical in the body known as “Cortical” instigated by anger actually suppresses the immune system. Another expert, Dr Steven Standiford from America disclosed that unforgiveness has been classified in medical books as a disease, because refusing to forgive makes people sick and keeps them that way (guardian.com).

          That brings us to the crux of the discourse- nurturing forgiveness in a family setting. Unforgiveness destroys the heart in the same way and manner cancerous cells tamper with the physical body. Unforgiveness could be enabled by a small grudge that might have been addressed by both parties without rancour. Because satan and his demons feed on hatred, they would fan a little resentment and transform it into something that festers in the mind and heart for days, prompting the injured party to want to take revenge.

The way to know that these evil entities are at work is when you keep on replaying what was said to you over and over again in your mind. They would even attempt to give you an interpretation of what was said or done that you had not noticed at the time the incident occurred. All they want to do is steal your peace and cause you to see the other person as your enemy.

Indeed, you might have been wronged, but it is no excuse for you to seek revenge. God said in Romans 12:19, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay”. So, let God vindicate you against those who wronged you. When it comes to any crappy relationship with family members, I would rather pray for God to forgive them than for Him to judge them because they hurt me. Certainly, I would not be happy for any one close to me to face the wrath of God because they were nasty to me. That is the spirit Jesus manifested when He was crucified. He prayed for God to forgive those who nailed Him to the cross. The same spirit of forgiveness was seen in the first Christian martyr, Stephen. He asked God to forgive those who were stoning him because of his testimony (Acts 7:60).

            One of the best ways to nurture forgiveness in the family is through daily devotion. It is said that a family that prays together stays together. It is also important that family members learn to open up to each other. Communication is the oil that keeps relationships alive. When people nurse grudges, they effectively destroy the communication channels that would have enabled them to address such hurts without giving the devil a foothold in their hearts. There is nothing wrong with scolding a family member or calling them to account for their misdeeds. But this should be done in love. It is not right to confront anyone with an attitude that conveys some form of superiority. That would engender resentment rather than the remorse sought by the offended party. Love covers a multitude of sin (1 Peter 4:8). Let that be our goal.