What to Look For In a Potential Spouse(A multi-part series)

By Manasseh Igyuh

She returned home and met a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates and a lovely card with words penned in his own handwriting. This was the most romantic ‘toasting move’ she had experienced four years after returning to Nigeria after her studies in the United States. Her mind quickly drifted a few years earlier to her days in the United States and how much she dreaded every conversation with any of her parents.

It always ended dramatically with her being blackmailed about how as an only child, her refusal to return home to Nigeria to take over the running of the very successful family business and marry any of the eligible sons of their family friends was the greatest ingratitude to her parents and surely going to send them to an early grave.

Fast forward eventually returning to Nigeria and all the fairy tale husbands suddenly became an apparition. One year, two years, three years gone and now in the fourth. Then appears this cute looking chap and the moment she met him at the dinner organized for Singles in her Church, her heart melted at the first glance at him. He looked, smelled and talked like the prince charming she always fantasized about as a young girl growing up.

They spent most of the time talking during the dinner and it felt like they had known themselves all of their lives. He ticked all the boxes and opening the surprise gift box from him was the clincher. God had finally answered her parents’ prayers. All she wanted was for him to pop the question. In her single-minded focus on getting married, she inadvertently missed the need to cultivate a relationship built on friendship which would help her stay married.

Marriage from the Christian point of view is intended to be an irreversible union between two imperfect people. It is a union built on friendship and nurtured by mutual love first for God and then for each other will be difficult to destroy.

The scenario painted earlier typifies how a lot of Singles ‘minor on the majors and major on the minors “in their criteria for spouse selection. Such misplaced priorities is how the devil is manipulating and misleading children of God in spousal selection in his quest to destroy the church as an institution. A Christian Marriage is intended to be God’s vehicle to build new Christian families that will guarantee trans-generational evangelism and growth of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The devil’s onslaught on the marriage institution is so strong as evidenced by the frequency of divorce, separations and various manifestations of marital dysfunction being recorded. Even where couples, including Christian couples, sustain the marriage union, it is not uncommon to hear friends and family express whispered tones about the serious abuse, irresponsible behaviour, resentment and discord that couples are masking. These manifestations are contrary to God’s ordinance and intention for the marriage union. It’s time for the Church to end the denial syndrome and confront this reality that is debilitating the growth of the Church.

The urgency to find a solution to the marital crisis confronting the Church could not have been be phrased better than Pastor Nkechi Iloputaife aptly described it – ‘When you discover a fault in any equipment, the sensible first reference is usually manufacturer’s manual’. Marriage and family represent the first institutions created by God himself and the best way to fix it is to go the Bible way.

God intends marriage to be the main source through which a believer enjoys deep companion and through this, raise Godly offspring’s that will carry forward the gospel of Christ. Fix marriages, fix the nation!

Perhaps applying the engineering logic of first principles, requires that we take a retrospective view at how relationships that ultimately lead to marriages even start and are cultivated.  The tension Christian singles face between strictly applying biblical standards in spousal selection and in managing the marriage relationship versus applying a hybrid of Christian, cultural and whatever seems to be trending as values while building the marriage relationship becomes a pointer to the inherent conflict waiting to happen. Lack of agreement on the Bible as the gold standard guiding every decision within the marriage union inadvertently leads to disagreements and conflicts between the couple.

 As the Bible says, “Can two dwell together except they be in agreement”? Before any Christian contemplates dating any member of the opposite sex, it’s important to prayerfully seek divine revelation regarding their partner’s love for God and a deep personal focus on cultivating a relationship with God.  It’s a no brainer that for anyone to be in a position to seeking revelation about the faith work of another party, they must themselves be established in an active relationship with God, and have grown in their maturity to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Light and darkness have no fellowship.

Issues of compatibility are fundamental in making the choice of a life partner. A foremost Christian author, Edwin Louis Cole in his book’ Communication, Sex and Money’ suggests like the title of the book, and provide insights regarding around these areas that every couple must not gloss over before making firm commitments about their future together.

Suggesting that there must be clear agreement around every detail is not realistic considering that life will present scenarios that are unique. In our African cultural setting, a model for relating with in-laws as key area where compatibility needs to be mutually agreed. Each intending couple must be clear about the general principles that will guide resolution of ambiguous scenarios-and the word of God as the consistent sustainable standard.

It is the love of God earned by the grace of the redemptive work of Jesus Christ, dwelling richly in the heart of the believer that unleashes the God kind of love as described in I Corinthians 13: 4-8. We build this love by demonstrating commitment to our marital vows and to our spouse, believing in and showing respect for our spouse, exercising patience, and making a deliberate effort to learn and express the love language that our partner will best understand.

Love is an action word and in John 3:16, God modelled his love for human kind by giving and expects us as Christians to act out our love. In giving, Gary Chapman in his book, ‘The Five Love languages’ so aptly emphasizes the importance of giving love in a language that the other person can understand and appreciate. The love languages analogy can be likened to one individual speaking Chinese Mandarin to a person who only understands French language and expecting comprehension! Understanding each other’s love languages helps us to build love in the marriage.

An illusion that affects spousal selection and marital success is what can best be described as the Messianic illusion- where one potential spouse builds in their mind a feeling that that they will come into the life of their partner and change their partner into a better version of themselves. While this is not totally wrong, the messianic illusion can be a red flag because it challenges the correct notion that partners in a marriage are both imperfect hence should first relate with each other from a place of absolute respect and seek to complement each other.

Every creation of God must grow and evolve as a natural phenomenon but as we grow, retaining certain elements of what we may feel defines our very essence as human beings is key. Human change is a process and not an event. As we go through the evolution, those that love us must evolve with us.

 However, every human being exists with a God given sense of self-worth and dignity that we automatically seek to preserve. In essence, successful personal change must be owned or flow from within the individual concerned and not imposed. However, every human being exists with a God given sense of self-worth and dignity that we automatically seek to preserve. In essence, successful personal change must be owned or flow from within the individual concerned and not imposed.  

As we seek to build new marriage relationships that honor God, may God’s wisdom abide in the hearts and minds of his children so they do not make mistakes. A stitch in time, saves nine.